Let's Get Personal

My personal testimony I wrote for my Biblical Interpretation and Spiritual Formations class. Thought I would share. Enjoy.

Megan MacConnell
September 16, 2010
BBST 103
Personal Testimony

I guess one could say I have lived a fairly average, but eventful life. My biography really gets interesting and begins taking its twists and turns once I reach my senior year of high school, but nevertheless, this is my whole story. I was born into a Christian home on June 13, 1991. Growing up, my family never was consistent in attending one church. We constantly were moving from one church to another and never could seem to find the right fit. I did not like attending the children’s program and often found myself sitting in “Big Church” with my parents, all the while missing out on valuable Bible stories many heard while growing up. One night, while attending a Christmas play, they preached a short message of the Gospel at the end of the production. I may have accepted God at that point, but being so young, I did not fully comprehend.

As time went on, I began to have panic attacks. I worried my throat was closing up, due to a previous swallowing of plastic incident, and this began to haunt me this whole summer. While on vacation, I had yet another panic attack and worried what would happen to me if I died. My mom comforted me by stating that if I had accepted God into my heart and believed He died for my sins, I had nothing to fear for I would go to Heaven. It then hit me. I began to wonder if I had ever done this and if that night at the play I actually had. Right then and there I accepted Jesus into my heart, mainly out of fear, but fully understood the Gospel and John 3:16.

As time went on, there was more skipping around churches and missing services. My walk with Christ began to really take off when I decided to attend Apple Valley Christian School for middle school and high school. The year before this decision, I had been baptized and was willing for God to start molding me into the person He wanted me to be. The school required each student to attend church weekly and get involved with small groups. Since I was under this contract, my family became more consistent in going to church. I became very connected to the church and made some great Christian friends. I also became great friends with one of my still best friends, Hannah Mason.

During my high school years, I began to make my faith my own. I took more extensive bible classes that helped me learn more about Christianity and challenged my mind. Those were, by far, my favorite classes. I also had the privilege of going on several mission’s trips during these years. I cannot believe how much they impacted the way I viewed the world and were a very humbling experience. I acknowledged the great commission of going and making disciples of every nation. (Matt 28:19) I also grew more in my walk with Christ by being consistent in attending weekly bible studies. Life seemed pretty good and I took advantage of the many opportunities that were available.

When decisions about college were starting to arise, my life seemed to take a turn for the worst. It was my senior year of high school and I could not feel any more lost. I had my own plans about life, and I was determined to do them my way. I wanted to go to San Diego State University, witness to others, and be a light in that dark world. I was for sure this was the route to go and that God wanted me there. I applied the second day I could, maintained a cumulative 4.0 GPA, played Varsity sports, was in the choir, was on the leadership team, and had countless community service hours. I essentially thought I was all set to go. My friend Hannah was a Biola bound baby and was constantly was trying to convince me to go with her to school. I always responded with, “Why do you want to stay in the Christian bubble? Is it not important to go into the secular world? Everyone goes to Biola, that’s so lame.” I even went on a tour of Biola and was very hypocritical of the school the whole time.

Little did I know a letter was going to get mailed to me saying I was not accepted into the school of my choice. When this letter did come, I felt a little hopeless, but since I was on the waiting list I thought this was just a way of God testing me. I truly believed I would most likely get in, no matter what. My brother graduated from there, why would I not end up going there as well? As I began to think of my back up options, just in case, I realized that all of the time that I spent checking out UC schools was a waste. I had taken the wrong subject test to get into those types of schools. When the final letter arrived that said that I had been denied acceptance to San Diego State I felt so lost. I had no clue where to go. I had back up options that I had applied and been accepted to, Cal Poly Pomona and Cal State San Bernardino, but I had no interest in those schools. I felt lost. I recall one day crying in my after school philosophy class. I uttered, all the while trying to hold back tears, “I don’t know where God wants me to go. I feel like I don’t know what the will of God is for my life.” I began to reason if there was no state school left that I wanted to attend, maybe I should begin considering the Christian Universities I had checked out previously. If I wanted to major in psychology, I might as well go to a Christian University.

While dealing with the stress of choosing a school, home life did not seem to be going any better either. Luckily, I had at the time a boyfriend, who is an awesome young man of God, help me get through this year. This school year both of my brothers moved back home, my youngest brother first. He was addicted to marijuana and it ruined his life. He had suicidal thoughts and had no idea what to do with his life. Through this, we became really close as he slowly began to rebuild his life back at home. My oldest brother also moved back home with his son and began to start the process of a divorce. My parents’ marriage seemed to also be rocky, as they had to deal with the stress of having a full house again. I detested my dad at this time and would write in my school planner, “Get all your homework done so you don’t have to be at home.” I got a job at Red Robin this year in hopes of making my relationship with my dad better, but it failed.

When the summer after my senior year came to a close I still had not made a decision. I decided I would just have to choose. I did not want to go to community college, so I just picked Cal Baptist. After I left for Cal Baptist it seemed like my life was spiraling downward. I felt so lonely and lost as I tried to make the transition. The library was my favorite place, and I clung to the visits with the boyfriend here at Biola. I went home every weekend and would come back as late as possible. My goal was to get through the day not crying.

One day I broke down. I could not take it anymore. I was sick of feeling out of place and lost. My boyfriend said he was coming to see me that night. I had a sigh of relief because just one long hug from him meant the world to me. When he arrived he was acting a little off. We decided to go out to the baseball fields to talk and I began explaining to him how horrible I thought my life was. In the midst of crying, he started saying something. Suddenly his words began to feel like a knife being driven straight into my heart. I felt as though I could not breathe. I could not hear at the moment, nor recall today the exact words he was saying, but I knew he had ended it. I had poured everything I had into this guy. My world had just ended. I had over time made him my idol, and I had lost. I thought I would marry him one day. He to this day is the nicest young man I’ve ever met in my life, but I had ignored all of the things that had not made us personally right for each other, because all I saw was this awesome man in Jesus. Holding a too high view of him, and getting my priorities out of order, ultimately destroyed us.

The next few weeks literally felt like hell, and I have never been so upset in my entire life. I was hurting. He was hurting. This was not right. It seemed as if my life had come crashing down. I was then notified, soon after, my grandpa’s cancer had come back and was at an extremely high level. This was just another thing that made me say, really God? This was not the hardest blow until that same month my dad got sick. He had come down with the H1N1 virus and was placed in an intensive care unit. He had over four infections, pneumonia, and H1N1 all at the same time. The doctors continued trying medicine after medicine to find one that worked, but were racing against time. They told us to be prepared for the worst. I became so angry with God, I could not even speak to Him for a time period. I lost my relationship, now possibly my dad all in the same month? I could not do it. This was my breaking point, my last straw.

Finally, the doctors found the right medicine, my dad began to recover, and slowly I learned to deal for the rest of the semester. At Christmas break I felt as though the Holy Spirit or something inside of me was leading me to pack up half of my dorm room. So I did, not knowing why, but I did. During the break I began questioning what to do. I did not feel as though CBU was worth the money and where I needed to be. My friend Hannah, once again, started telling me about Biola, since she had now been there for a semester. As she began to describe her experience, everything she said was what I was sincerely looking for in a school. I almost thought about transferring for second semester, but I thought that might be jumping the gun. I decided to come home, attend community college, and really figure out where God wanted me to be.

This point of my life was definitely a recovering stage. I was back at home, with little friends left to hang out with. I did not have any joy inside of me, and I knew it. I decided to pour everything I had into building my relationship back up in Christ. I wanted true joy, not based on my circumstances. I wanted the type of joy Paul experienced, even while being in prison. I dedicated this time to trying to stay away from the opposite sex and sought out ways to be obedient to Christ. My relationship with God grew by doing these things and I began to find more joy in my life.

Over this semester, I went ahead and filled out an application to Biola. When this past summer came, I still was feeling lost. I knew that this school was truly where I wanted to go, but it was a heck of a lot of money I did not have. I also did not get very much financial aid either. The aspect of paying close to full price scared me. I almost did not come, but after talking with my friends about how amazing this school is, and them truly believing it is worth the money, made me take a leap of faith. I decided about a month before Biola started, to trust in God once again and go for it.

I am proud to state, only after being here for a few weeks, this place is absolutely amazing. I have cried several tears of joy just being here. I cannot believe what an amazing feeling it is to finally be where I am meant to be. This school has everything I want and even more. The love of God is so evident and present here. I could literally not be happier. I also know I am in a different place than when I first left for college mentally. I was not a person actively seeking God, but expecting Him to do all the work. I was not a person who could stand on her own two feet and deal with problems with God’s help, but a girl who relied on her boyfriend to make all of the pain go away. I was not a content person, and let life’s circumstances take a hold of me. I am nowhere near perfect nor will I ever be, but I am very glad that God has been doing a great work in me. He has also been restoring my relationships as well. My relationship with my dad is slowly becoming better overtime, as well as a friendship with the guy who broke my heart.
The most powerful thing I have learned is that God is a jealous God. In Deuteronomy 4:23-24, God talks about being jealous for us, and that we should have no other idols before us. These couple verses explain the past couple years of my life and God getting jealous and consuming my life. It amazes me that God loves me that much that He would reach down into my life and try to get my attention. I am so thankful and in awe that God loves me, unconditionally; that He has plans for me.

Second Day!

It’s the second day and I’m still going strong! Currently I’m listening to Step Up the movie that some people are watching in the lobby. If I knew these people I would stand up and start dancing, but I don’t so I probably should just sit here and continue typing. Haha. Today was awesome. The day started out having breakfast in the caf with one of my roomies, Lindsey. I went for the bagel, and my bagel ended up getting stuck in the slicer, so embarrassing! Then we went to the meeting in the gym and the SOS groups put on an amazing skit! Seriously I was busting up laughing the whole time! They put soo many different references in it and fairly long as well. From the old spice guy, to Kanye West cutting off Taylor, to Glee, to Mean Girls, to double rainbow, to Alan from the Hangover, to the Sandlot, and finishing it up with Inception was amazing!

Meeting with our SOS group was really cool. I have an awesome leader and some awesome transfer students in our group. It’s nice to finally meet some more transfer students since I mainly am meeting freshman. We played a game and it was awesome to bond with some other transfers.

Tonight proved to be very different. We had a communion service after the bbq at Biola. My brother, nephew, Mom and Dad were all there and it was an intimate moment. It was crazy emotional though, which was really weird. But there was such a sense of peace in the moment. I know it touched all of us, and we were all crying and praying. Crazy! The only time we ever pray together is over the food. Somehow I just know Biola is the right decision for me. Anyways, guess I will wrap this up, so dead tired!

Biola Move In Day!

So it finally came…move in day! I never thought about a little over a year ago I would be moving into Biola. Now here I am sitting writing this in my cozy room in Hope sitting chatting with my two roomies, while listening to the boys play basketball outside. I am happy to say, I feel perfectly content. You know how when something just feels right, you know? Biola feels like a second home. Everything just feels natural here. So far just today I have seen God’s love in people all over this campus. Somehow for being someone so shy in group settings with people I don’t know I’m finding the strength to go up and introduce myself. Maybe it could be that I’m not a freshman and this isn’t the first time I’ve been off alone. It also could be that I know in order to have the best social experience and meet new people, you have to put yourself out there. Whatever the case, I’ve tried to make myself a social butterfly today. I have, just today, met some cool girls on my hall, met my twin on the second floor, hung out at the bookstore and socialized, and went to some ice cream social type thing. I’m going around looking for cool people to meet and soaking it in while I can. Although, I know things will be a little bit different once classes start, and I begin to get homesick for my own room and bed. I also know there will be certain times where I will be sitting alone in a class, eating a couple meals by myself, but that time alone is a good refresher too. I ultimately believe that Biola is the place for me, but we shall see. So far, life is great and I couldn’t be more excited about going to college!

GOD IS INTIMATE.

So you wanna know?

Since I still have not done a follow up to my six months of no dating that I completed a little while ago, I decided to turn an answer to a formspring.com question into a blog.

Someone asked me:

Are you truly happy without guys? It seems like your trying to be positive, but you really miss a man in your life.


Here is my response:

I believe God put in all of us the desire for companionship, and I think I will always have this desire, whether I'm meant to marry or not. So am I fully satisfied in this sense? No. I'd much rather be in a God centered relationship with a man that loves the Lord, has good qualities, and the relationship is potentially headed for marriage in the future.

Do I get lonely sometimes without a relationship? Absolutely, especially since I am back in the desert feeling like I have few friends. Do I try to find my joy in Jesus and remember only He can make me complete? Yes. Do I try to be happy without a man? Yep. Does it work all the time? Nope, but my life isn't perfect.

I may seem like I focus on the opposite sex way too much, and maybe that's true. But you also have to realize why I do:

1. My heart has been badly broken. Twice, in the past 9 months. This doesn't just go away. I've been broken. One by a guy I truly was falling in love with and thought the relationship might one day end in marriage. The other by a guy I always thought the most of and was smitten with for a long time. This guy proceeded to use this to his advantage, got my hopes up, and then broke them down.

So do I have trust issues? Yes. Does this dominate my thoughts too often? Perhaps. I'm still dealing with both of these heartbreaks and as much as I'd like it to magically go away, that's not always the case.

2. I took the time out for six months to abstain from dating. You know how when you are addicted to something and then it's taken away, that's what your thoughts tend to go towards? Same with this. Was I addicted, I wouldn't say so, but when it's taken away, you tend to focus on it.

3. I believe my singleness is a gift right now, to better myself, to prepare myself for my future husband, and to grow closer to Christ. So I'm reading books on this. It's what I think about.

4. I'm young, single, and stupid guys that don't have their priorities straight tend to approach me. This frustrates me. Am I out deliberately looking for a guy? No. But do you hear about these guys? Yes, because I get frustrated with these guys and feel as if the right guy is taking forever. Yes, yes I know I am impatient sometimes and I'm working on it.

5. My ultimate dream goal, God willing, is to one day be a marriage counselor. So do I contemplate on marriages? Yes. Do I read up on tips for a successful marriage? Yes. Do I talk about this and share links and quotes? You bet. I don't have a single healthy marriage to look up to in this family, so I want to make sure I prepare myself to have the best. Am I too young for this? It's a matter of opinion. I know I won't be a marriage counselor until I have many years of experience in my own, but it's never too early to learn about God centered marriages and what works and what doesn't. So when you are quick to judge me on contemplating on marriage too soon, I'm not just thinking about myself, I'm thinking about my future career. Could this goal change in a couple years? Perhaps, but for the past couple years it's what I've felt like I'm called to do.

Sweetheart...

Dear Sweetheart,

For many years I sought to find my most perfect mate, but all that ever resulted from my search were shattered dreams, a broken heart and what seemed to be an endless wait. I wanted to find God’s very best, but first He had to teach me that in His loving hands, I must solely rest.

So one evening I prayed, “God, just as you put Adam to sleep until the perfect one for him, he was ready to meet; so put me and my desires to sleep until I too am ready to know the one you have chosen for me.”

From that time forward God gave me a peace. And although others came into my life God protected my heart and spared me from more strife. Then when God knew that in His hands I had placed my heart, He brought you into my life and I was history from the start.

My dear friends who know me well perhaps see tomorrow as a miraculous day. For they have known me and all my picky ways. Once while in the dorm, A.M. came into my room and asked me just exactly what I was looking for in a man. I ran to my diary and pulled out a list of 30 qualities I was looking for and on which I would insist.

As I read each trait one by one, Dear A.M. looked at me, she was very stunned. After pondering the list she said with a nod, “ Well Cindy, looks like you’ll have to marry God.” Well, God you are not, but my Heaven on earth you are. God heard my prayers and answered them in the most perfect way with you.

I have no unanswered questions, no doubts, no hesitations, no reservations.

You are my Prince Charming, my knight in shining armor, my gift from the sea, my gift from God.”

~Cindy Jordan Feldewerth


Ladies, it can happen! It's happened with numerous women. We just have to be patient and wait upon the Lord. I know it's hard, I struggle with it daily. But we have to remember:

His timing, not ours.

His arrangement, not ours.

His planning, not ours.

What does your Prince Charming look like to you?

Don't settle for less than God's best.

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."
~Psalm 37:4

Your Prince Charming is worth the wait.

God is so good! I just want to scream it from the mountain tops! It's not even anything majorly in particular, just the way He works in my life is amazing!

Shout it!

Our God is an awesome God
He reigns from Heaven above
With wisdom power and love
our God is an awesome God!