Plans

I don’t have time to write. I should be working on the mounds of homework I have while waiting for me just sitting here, but I can’t help get these thoughts out of my head. I wish to write on and on and make it pretty, but time just won’t allow.

I went to a wedding yesterday for one of my really close girl friends. It was a long trip to get there, about 400 miles out there, 400 miles back. It can really give a girl some time to think. There were many things so special about this wedding I could go on an on about, but one of the main things that was so special and evident was that God was the center of it all. While hearing the groom’s father speak about how they had been praying for a wife for their son and praying that she would perfectly compliment his son I got choked up.

This is what I want. This is what I have been wanting and have been praying for. But seeing it actually happen to another couple before my very own eyes has made it seem even more real that it can happen. Waiting for God’s best is worth it. Maybe this couple didn’t have to wait as long as I do. But that is okay. I want God’s best, why? Why not? I’d rather try and wait patiently and have God form His man for me than date the wrong one. I do not deserve to have a man who is wishy-washy about his love for me. I deserve to have a man who knows he wants me. I do not deserve someone subpar who isn’t sure of what he wants. Now it may take days, weeks, months, years till my husband is revealed to me…and who knows God may change my heart and I won’t ever get married…but what I do know is that God has an awesome plan for me. Whenever I doubt it all I have to do is look back on all the times I thought I was lost…..

Brother’s broken marriage brought me to psychology.

Uncertainness led me to Cal Baptist.

Cal Baptist led me to Hannah and Brittany.

Jeffrey brought me broken back to Jesus.

Cal Baptist led me home.

Home led me to a close family friend.

Family friend led me to discovering more things about myself.

Home led me to grow closer with Aurora and Janelle.

Dad’s sicknesses have led me to a appreciating him for who he is.

Psychology led me to Biola.

Biola led me to my best friend Brett.

Biola led me to solidify my major in psychology.

Biola led me to….well I could go on an on. (haha)

Broken friendships have led me to remembering Jesus is the only one we are to have our foundation in.

Singleness has led me to being able to be there for my family tremendously.

There has been several times I have felt lost…but then I look back and see God has done a great work in me and will continue to do a great work in me.

If I marry…I’m waiting for you hun. I’m trying to be patient. I’m trying to not look too hard. And when I do get lonely…just know, I’m praying for you too to be patient.

I want to sing and mean every word...

This week at BU is Mission’s Conference. The classes are cancelled for a couple days to go to chapel like conferences and focus on God’s call for our lives. A band called The City Harmonic is our guest band for the conference and I just heard them play live tonight. One of the lyrics to a song they played touched me deeply. So often we just sing worship songs as a ritual and we like to say we mean them, but do we really? Do we walk out of the church changed, do our actions follow? I absolutely love these lyrics. I want Jesus to be my all. I want Jesus to be all that I want. I don’t want to get caught up in wanting an awesome career. I don’t want to get caught up in finding a husband. I don’t want to get caught up in trying to find girlfriends. I don’t want to get caught up in getting the best body…I want Jesus to be my want. So often that doesn’t happen. I want to be every word. I don’t want to just sing it; I want to be it. I want the want of Jesus to be my desire. I want my life to show it. I don’t want to just go about speaking words that I love Jesus, that I go to a Christian University, that I’m minoring in Bible, I want my actions to speak for themselves. I guess what I am trying to say in this sloppy post is that, I really adore how this song speaks of desiring God. I want Him to be my desire. It doesn’t say You are my desire, but I want Him to be my full desire. Sometimes we just need to ask God to work in our lives so He becomes that to us…admitting that sometimes He isn’t our desire and that we crave for Him to become our desire. It’s similar to crying out “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24) Yeah, this post is written poorly and may not make sense to all, but it makes sense to me. Haha.


May my life speak louder than words
and what I’m saying
is “Jesus, I’m sure You’re what I want”
Yeah, that’s what I want

These words ain’t cheap, no, they bleed on the page.
I see what I’ve been and that needs to change
and that’s what I want
yeah, You’re what I want
Ha – la – la – lelujah, yeah
Hallelu
Ha – la – la – lelujah, oh yeah
What I want is You

I want to sing – sing and mean every word
Cause what I’m singing is “Joy to the world”
And that’s what I want, yeah,
That’s what I want

So go on sing, sing, all of heaven and earth
But don’t just sing – be – and be every word
That’s what I want, yeah,
That’s what I want

Ha – la – la – lelujah, yeah
Hallelu
Ha – la – la – lelujah, oh yeah
What I want is You

(Hallelujuah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah)

Ha – la – la – lelujah, Hallelu
What I want is You.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hax9bJAkHmU

Pitiful or Powerful?

This changed the way I think, and I hope you will take the time to read it as well. The whole book so far is very good, I recommend it.


Excerpt from Managing Your Emotions by Joyce Meyer.

“If you want to receive emotional healing and go forward with your life, you must lay down self-pity. I am so convinced of that truth that I will go so far as to ask you the same question that God asked me several years ago: “Do you want to be pitiful or powerful?”

I will also pose some other questions for you on this same subject. The first one is: “Do you feel sorry for yourself?”

Be honest in your response. Don’t do as I used to do and answer, “Yes, but…”

God has shown me that self-pity is like a wall that keeps us from going forward in life. In my own life, I had to learn that everyone has problems. Just because I was abused as a child, I am not a special case. Like everyone else, I have to take responsibility for my own healing and restoration-and so do you. We must cooperate with the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives.

My next question is: “Do you have a chip on your shoulder?”

For years I walked around with a huge chip on my shoulder because, “what happened to me was not fair; it shouldn’t have happened to a dog, so I deserve…”

It is a little hard on the flesh to have to admit that our special problems do not make us special cases. We are all special to God, but everybody has been hurt or abused in one way or another. Each of us has to take responsibility for our own behavior and avoid blaming the past or those who have hurt us.

The Bible tells us that those who wallow in self-pity make themselves vulnerable to the devil, who is seeking someone to devour.

If we don’t want the devil to devour us, then we need to resist self-pity, blaming others, and carrying a chip on our shoulder. If we do things God’s way, we will experience God’s victory.

That’s the message that the Lord was trying to get across to me when He asked me whether I wanted to be pitiful or powerful. He was saying to me then, just as He is saying to you now, “You may have a reason to feel sorry for yourself, but you have no right to do so, because I am willing to heal your life. I will deliver you from everything Satan has tried to do to you, and I will use it for your good and My glory.”

All the hurts and wounds you have suffered, even the things you have done to wrong yourself, the Lord can make into the tools and equipment you need to minister to other hurting people.”

Tick. Tock.

I was driving to Starbucks trying my best to arrive on time to meet a friend when I got the text, I’m going to be a little late. One of my biggest pet peeves is waiting on people, even though I tend to be a little late often too…I know I am such a hypocrite. So there I was waiting in my car in the parking lot. I decided that I would make the most out of this opportunity, better or bitter as Aurora always reminds me. I got my nail file out, started talking to God, and listened to some worship music. I then got a second text notifying me that I would be waiting even longer than expected. Normally I would have sent back an annoyed text, but I didn’t. I just kept reminding myself that this was just more time that God was giving me to spend with Him. When my friend finally showed up I was happy with the way I reacted. I didn’t give him the third degree when I had been sitting out there for a good half an hour; I knew it wasn’t his fault that events kept happening. I am so thankful to God that He gave me the time and nudged me to just spend it with Him. I normally would have reacted way differently, but I’m super thankful I was able to control my emotions with God’s help and turn it into something good. The point is, God gives us time everyday to spend with Him, and sometimes He will purposefully slow life down to give us that time, but it’s up to us how we use that time. I could have sat in my car grumbling counting down the minutes, but when I used it for His glory, there wasn’t too much grumbling to be done. There are many opportunities out there to complain about being slowed down, let’s say annoying traffic, but there are also many opportunities to turn that time into a time with God. Thank you God for the reminder.

Ephesians 5:15-20
15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I'm Lovin it.

So I have decided to make healthier decisions when it comes to eating. No, it’s not tied into a New Years resolution; it’s called stepping onto the scale after a semester at Biola and a fattening Christmas and saying, ouch.

Upon this past week of trying to make healthier decisions I found sometimes life just happens and you have to grab some fast food. As I struggled with what to order in the McDonalds drive thru lane trying to make the healthiest in decision I chose a McChicken sandwich with no mayo. I then ate the sandwich with only one side of the bun.

I decided to go online and look at the nutrition facts so next time I would know what to order. I’m no dietician and I don’t know what fats are good and such and such, but if you are just counting calories, this may be some useful information.

I found that just a regular hamburger had 110 calories less than a McChicken. Calories wise, as far as sandwiches go, just a regular hamburger is the lowest coming in at 250 calories. The highest sandwich coming in at a whopping 790 calories was the Angus Bacon and Cheese. Also up in the 700s was Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, Angus Bacon and Cheese, Angus Deluxe, and Angus Mushroom and Swiss. Also high was any chicken sandwich that was crispy. That’s going to cost you at least a hundred calories more instead of having it grilled. I found 3 Snack Wraps all under 300 calories; the Grilled Ranch Snack Wrap (270cal), Grilled Honey Mustard Snack Wrap (260cal), Grilled Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap (260cal). A small order of fries is 230 calories, not including 15 calories per ketchup packet. Calories wise, 4 piece chicken nuggets looked good at 190 calories, but that doesn’t include the extra 50 calories in dipping sauce. So you are at 240 calories for chicken nuggets or 250 calories for a regular hamburger.

When I began to look at their salads, I thought not bad, until I looked at how much calories the dressings had. Your best bet, go for the Newman’s Own Low Fat Balsamic Vinaigrette, which is only 40 calories, compared to 190 calories of New Man’s Own Creamy Caesar Dressing. The croutons are also going to cost you 60 calories. The lowest salad was the Premium Caesar Salad without chicken (90cal). The second lowest salads without chicken at 140 were the Premium Southwest Salad (140cal) or the Premium Bacon Ranch Salad.

I’m not a big breakfast eater, so I won’t go too much into this meal. All I have to say is, stay away from the hotcakes! You will end up with about 1300 calories if you eat the Big Breakfast with Hotcakes! Lowest breakfast would be opting for an English muffin, or the Oatmeal all under 300 calories.

Desserts, oh where to begin! Oh how I lovveee McDonald’s desserts! Sometimes I just go there just to get dessert! The key to this, stay away from shakes and McFlurries. I know, I know, so hard! If you do opt for a McFlurry and can’t resist, choose Oreo over M&Ms, this will save you 130 calories, not much when you already having a lot of calories, but it’s saving something. Your best bet, which most of you already know would be Apple Dippers with low fat caramel or a Fruit ‘N Yogurt Parfait. I know, some dessert. Humph! If you must splurge, have a cookie. Having a cookie is way better than blowing it on a shake. A Baked Hot Apple Pie will also be a much better choice than a small shake.

The thing I am beginning to tell myself when I want something extra is, eating at McDonalds is already the splurge. If you want to splurge get a cheeseburger, instead of a regular hamburger. That costs you 50 calories and the splurge is the cheese, not feeling the need to add a small order of French fries. I’m also telling myself, if I’m already ordering a burger than a salad, that is the splurge. I don’t really want to buy a salad at McDonalds! Come on it’s McDonalds! Haha.

So my tips at eating at McDonalds. Hamburger, or Chicken Nuggets if you don’t opt for a salad. Not feeling up to drinking more water, have some iced tea! I love iced tea and love that it has zero calories! So if I ordered a hamburger, apple dippers with lowfat caramel dip, and an iced tea my order would total 350 calories. Ordering a Snack Wrap would also come out to about the same. Bad, but not too bad for eating out. I also totaled what would be my perfect meal at McDonalds, and that came out to 1500 calories! Point of the story, know what to order before you go through that drive-thru.

Three Dollars

As I pulled out onto Bear Valley Road after just having a warm cup of the seasonal Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks my thoughts turned to the bumpy, uneven slow lane. It was then I glanced over and saw a middle aged woman holding a cardboard sign on the side of the road explaining she had been laid off and had two kids. I thought maybe I should give her some money, but she was in a difficult spot to reach and traffic was moving so I decided not to attempt. It was then it hit me. No, I had to get to this woman. I looked in my review mirror and noticed her walking back to her pick up truck and I kept praying she would stay put till I could get to her. I then was able to get off Bear Valley, park at a gas station, and run over to her truck. She was sitting there with her two young boys and opened up the truck door as I ran over. I proceeded to hand her the three dollars. Now I have given homeless people money, and I have given them food. Normally I like to do food since you never know what they are going to do with it, but something had pulled at my heartstrings to give her the money. As I gave her the few dollars I have never seen such a grateful face before in my life. I began to say God bless to her and she reached out to give me a hug. I told her God would provide and she said I know He is so faithful. I proceeded to tell her I would be praying for her and she looked overwhelmed. Now I don’t know what was going through her mind as she was walking back to her truck, if many people had stopped, if she ended up getting a lot of money, or if she was extremely disappointed. I don’t know how much money she needed and I don’t know if the three dollars even compared to maybe a hundred dollar bill someone may have given her, but what I do know is that I believe she saw a glimpse of hope and that someone cared to turn around just to get to her. Looking back, since I was in no hurry, I wish I had prayed with the woman. I wish I had given more. I wish I had asked if I could buy her and her boys some lunch. I wish I had gotten to know her. I’m normally very wary of strangers, especially men and rightfully so, but there was something about this woman that made me attached. I don’t know exactly if there is a huge point to this story, except for if you can bless another person then do so. What I do know is that driving by she was just a common woman standing on the side of the road with a sign, but when I took the time to get to her I have never seen such a beautiful, genuine sight of her face lighting up with gratitude.

Weather

Earlier this evening I had, had it. As I threw my phone, I looked outside the window. I saw bits and pieces of the sky lit up in different colors, but I knew there was more to see and I had to see it. I grabbed my jacket and my room key and proceeded to literally run to find it. I saw it out the window as I came to the stairs entrance. This was not good enough. I had to, I desired to, see this sunset for all its worth. I ran down the stairs, out of Hope, then up the stairs behind Hope to see it for its full-blown glory. As I saw it, I was blown away. With tears streaming down my face, I knew God had given me that sunset. He knew the desires of my heart. He knew last night I longed to go home and experience the deserts amazing sunsets. Here, in La Mirada, he gave me a glorious warm, sunny day, with a slight breeze. This breeze reminded me I was alive, and that even though I couldn’t see God, I can still feel Him. This is what God desires, to see His works and crave to see more. He desires us to run just to get a glimpse more of Him. He desires us to stand in awe of His beauty. I wish that I could say that the sunset changed the rest of this night, and made the pain go away because it didn’t. What the sunset did was remind me I am alive, and that He is there through the pain. God doesn’t promise He will suddenly take all the pain away and relieve the issues in our lives. God does promise He is there amidst our despair. (I took a picture, but my stupid phone won’t send it to my computer)

Tonight.

Tonight was Hope's dorm building Christmas party. I enjoyed getting to talk to some girls on my hall and drink yummy Christmas named drinks. But where my thoughts really are tonight is home. I guess it's cause I just spent break at home and am still in break mode, but I really wish Christmas break started now. I would love to be curled up in my snowman blanket in front of the fire cuddling with my mom. I would love be warm and toasty without the stress of school. Somehow, someway I know I will make it to Christmas break, but it seems so far. I am so stressed with my grades, if I will even pass all my classes, complete my online class, my schedule will somehow work out, I will even finish all my assignments, and get in enough chapels. This stress is taking a toll on me and I wish I could say I had one full day on Thanksgiving break to relax, but that didn't even happen. I'm getting slower, my school work is getting crappier, things are taking more effort and twice as long. I'm emotionally drained. It's definitely going to have to be strength from God for me to make it.