MAN UP

If I could give any advice to men out there tonight it would be two words: man up.

No seriously.

Technology in today’s world has made a man’s pursuit for a woman much easier. Think about it, you can fbook her by instant messaging her, sending her a message, commenting on a pic, etc. “Hitting” on a girl is easy because you can do it from the comforts of your home and still feel “safe.” With the click of a mouse you can let a girl know you think she is cute.

What about in the real world men?

I cannot tell you how many pointless texting conversations I have had with the opposite sex. I’m telling you these conversations go nowhere. They are light and brief and really don’t end up going anywhere in getting to know each other. I also have had so many empty promises to teach me how to do this, or we will go here I don’t even believe them anymore. It is so easy to say things you never intend on doing in text, or turning the conversation into a pointless flirt fest. So if you think a girl is cute then man up and get to know her. I promise you, texting is no way to get to know a person. Ask her out, don’t even call it a date if you don’t want to, but at least take some initiative to get to know her.

That is my rant for the evening. Whether you believe in dating or courting, stay away from the texting and strictly online flirting…it really goes no where. You think she is cute? Get to know her, the real her. I'm sure many girls have had false hopes when a guy starts "wooing" her and never intends to follow through.

Help

Help.

You know those times when your will does not line up with God’s?

You know those times when you don’t want to submit your plans to Him because you know what would happen if you did?

You know those times when you know you should ask God about it but just don’t want to?

Here’s a tip, cry out to Him with just one little word. H-E-L-P!

While you may not be able to fully submit your desires at that moment, crying out “Help!” to God still involves Him in the equation.

Crying out “Help!” is a step in the right direction.

Crying out “Help!” is saying I am weak, I don’t know what is best, and that is about all I can bring myself to say right now.

If you give God the right to take control of the situation He will set you in the right direction.

Granted, God is not going to do all the work, but He will help you align your desires with His.

Psalm 3:4 To the Lord I cry aloud, and He answers me from His holy hill.

Love is not proud
Love does not boast
Love after all
Matters the most

Love does not run
Love does not hide
Love does not keep
Locked inside

Love is the river that flows through
Love never fails you

Love will sustain
Love will provide
Love will not cease
At the end of time

Love will protect
Love always hopes
Love still believes
When you don’t

Love is the arms that are holding you
Love never fails you

When my heart won’t make a sound
When I can’t turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this
Greater than this

Love is right here
Love is alive
Love is the way
The truth the life

Love is the river than flows through
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love is the place you will fly to
Love never fails you

-Brandon Heath

Must remind myself...

I
do
not
need
to
settle
for
subpar.

I want someone to KNOW they are in love with me.

Why my best friend rocks.

Me: "I found out another semi friend got engaged who is my age...I just ate a whole box of Peeps as a result."

Brett: "People need to stop getting married, you will get fat."

Since when I started growing up I do not know.

Half of my friends are getting married.

My high school work money is running out.

I’m thinking about internships.

I’m trying to set up meetings to shadow people for my future job.

I’m trying to figure out how I am going to support myself in two years.

My parents aren’t paying for everything anymore.

My mom is speaking of “retirement.”

I have to figure out how to pay for grad school all on my own and work.

I’m trying to figure out how to look good for my grad school application.

I no longer consider myself smart in school.

My dad called me an adult yesterday for the first time.

In less than two months I will no longer be a teenager.

Finding a home church where I live has become a priority.

Becoming a mentor to younger students in the church has become an interest to me.

And my renewal for my driver’s license came in the mail yesterday.

Sheesh, can I please just go back to my Junior year of high school? That year was so much fun.

Lord, not what I will, but what YOU will.

Plans

I don’t have time to write. I should be working on the mounds of homework I have while waiting for me just sitting here, but I can’t help get these thoughts out of my head. I wish to write on and on and make it pretty, but time just won’t allow.

I went to a wedding yesterday for one of my really close girl friends. It was a long trip to get there, about 400 miles out there, 400 miles back. It can really give a girl some time to think. There were many things so special about this wedding I could go on an on about, but one of the main things that was so special and evident was that God was the center of it all. While hearing the groom’s father speak about how they had been praying for a wife for their son and praying that she would perfectly compliment his son I got choked up.

This is what I want. This is what I have been wanting and have been praying for. But seeing it actually happen to another couple before my very own eyes has made it seem even more real that it can happen. Waiting for God’s best is worth it. Maybe this couple didn’t have to wait as long as I do. But that is okay. I want God’s best, why? Why not? I’d rather try and wait patiently and have God form His man for me than date the wrong one. I do not deserve to have a man who is wishy-washy about his love for me. I deserve to have a man who knows he wants me. I do not deserve someone subpar who isn’t sure of what he wants. Now it may take days, weeks, months, years till my husband is revealed to me…and who knows God may change my heart and I won’t ever get married…but what I do know is that God has an awesome plan for me. Whenever I doubt it all I have to do is look back on all the times I thought I was lost…..

Brother’s broken marriage brought me to psychology.

Uncertainness led me to Cal Baptist.

Cal Baptist led me to Hannah and Brittany.

Jeffrey brought me broken back to Jesus.

Cal Baptist led me home.

Home led me to a close family friend.

Family friend led me to discovering more things about myself.

Home led me to grow closer with Aurora and Janelle.

Dad’s sicknesses have led me to a appreciating him for who he is.

Psychology led me to Biola.

Biola led me to my best friend Brett.

Biola led me to solidify my major in psychology.

Biola led me to….well I could go on an on. (haha)

Broken friendships have led me to remembering Jesus is the only one we are to have our foundation in.

Singleness has led me to being able to be there for my family tremendously.

There has been several times I have felt lost…but then I look back and see God has done a great work in me and will continue to do a great work in me.

If I marry…I’m waiting for you hun. I’m trying to be patient. I’m trying to not look too hard. And when I do get lonely…just know, I’m praying for you too to be patient.

I want to sing and mean every word...

This week at BU is Mission’s Conference. The classes are cancelled for a couple days to go to chapel like conferences and focus on God’s call for our lives. A band called The City Harmonic is our guest band for the conference and I just heard them play live tonight. One of the lyrics to a song they played touched me deeply. So often we just sing worship songs as a ritual and we like to say we mean them, but do we really? Do we walk out of the church changed, do our actions follow? I absolutely love these lyrics. I want Jesus to be my all. I want Jesus to be all that I want. I don’t want to get caught up in wanting an awesome career. I don’t want to get caught up in finding a husband. I don’t want to get caught up in trying to find girlfriends. I don’t want to get caught up in getting the best body…I want Jesus to be my want. So often that doesn’t happen. I want to be every word. I don’t want to just sing it; I want to be it. I want the want of Jesus to be my desire. I want my life to show it. I don’t want to just go about speaking words that I love Jesus, that I go to a Christian University, that I’m minoring in Bible, I want my actions to speak for themselves. I guess what I am trying to say in this sloppy post is that, I really adore how this song speaks of desiring God. I want Him to be my desire. It doesn’t say You are my desire, but I want Him to be my full desire. Sometimes we just need to ask God to work in our lives so He becomes that to us…admitting that sometimes He isn’t our desire and that we crave for Him to become our desire. It’s similar to crying out “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24) Yeah, this post is written poorly and may not make sense to all, but it makes sense to me. Haha.


May my life speak louder than words
and what I’m saying
is “Jesus, I’m sure You’re what I want”
Yeah, that’s what I want

These words ain’t cheap, no, they bleed on the page.
I see what I’ve been and that needs to change
and that’s what I want
yeah, You’re what I want
Ha – la – la – lelujah, yeah
Hallelu
Ha – la – la – lelujah, oh yeah
What I want is You

I want to sing – sing and mean every word
Cause what I’m singing is “Joy to the world”
And that’s what I want, yeah,
That’s what I want

So go on sing, sing, all of heaven and earth
But don’t just sing – be – and be every word
That’s what I want, yeah,
That’s what I want

Ha – la – la – lelujah, yeah
Hallelu
Ha – la – la – lelujah, oh yeah
What I want is You

(Hallelujuah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah)

Ha – la – la – lelujah, Hallelu
What I want is You.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hax9bJAkHmU

Pitiful or Powerful?

This changed the way I think, and I hope you will take the time to read it as well. The whole book so far is very good, I recommend it.


Excerpt from Managing Your Emotions by Joyce Meyer.

“If you want to receive emotional healing and go forward with your life, you must lay down self-pity. I am so convinced of that truth that I will go so far as to ask you the same question that God asked me several years ago: “Do you want to be pitiful or powerful?”

I will also pose some other questions for you on this same subject. The first one is: “Do you feel sorry for yourself?”

Be honest in your response. Don’t do as I used to do and answer, “Yes, but…”

God has shown me that self-pity is like a wall that keeps us from going forward in life. In my own life, I had to learn that everyone has problems. Just because I was abused as a child, I am not a special case. Like everyone else, I have to take responsibility for my own healing and restoration-and so do you. We must cooperate with the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives.

My next question is: “Do you have a chip on your shoulder?”

For years I walked around with a huge chip on my shoulder because, “what happened to me was not fair; it shouldn’t have happened to a dog, so I deserve…”

It is a little hard on the flesh to have to admit that our special problems do not make us special cases. We are all special to God, but everybody has been hurt or abused in one way or another. Each of us has to take responsibility for our own behavior and avoid blaming the past or those who have hurt us.

The Bible tells us that those who wallow in self-pity make themselves vulnerable to the devil, who is seeking someone to devour.

If we don’t want the devil to devour us, then we need to resist self-pity, blaming others, and carrying a chip on our shoulder. If we do things God’s way, we will experience God’s victory.

That’s the message that the Lord was trying to get across to me when He asked me whether I wanted to be pitiful or powerful. He was saying to me then, just as He is saying to you now, “You may have a reason to feel sorry for yourself, but you have no right to do so, because I am willing to heal your life. I will deliver you from everything Satan has tried to do to you, and I will use it for your good and My glory.”

All the hurts and wounds you have suffered, even the things you have done to wrong yourself, the Lord can make into the tools and equipment you need to minister to other hurting people.”

Tick. Tock.

I was driving to Starbucks trying my best to arrive on time to meet a friend when I got the text, I’m going to be a little late. One of my biggest pet peeves is waiting on people, even though I tend to be a little late often too…I know I am such a hypocrite. So there I was waiting in my car in the parking lot. I decided that I would make the most out of this opportunity, better or bitter as Aurora always reminds me. I got my nail file out, started talking to God, and listened to some worship music. I then got a second text notifying me that I would be waiting even longer than expected. Normally I would have sent back an annoyed text, but I didn’t. I just kept reminding myself that this was just more time that God was giving me to spend with Him. When my friend finally showed up I was happy with the way I reacted. I didn’t give him the third degree when I had been sitting out there for a good half an hour; I knew it wasn’t his fault that events kept happening. I am so thankful to God that He gave me the time and nudged me to just spend it with Him. I normally would have reacted way differently, but I’m super thankful I was able to control my emotions with God’s help and turn it into something good. The point is, God gives us time everyday to spend with Him, and sometimes He will purposefully slow life down to give us that time, but it’s up to us how we use that time. I could have sat in my car grumbling counting down the minutes, but when I used it for His glory, there wasn’t too much grumbling to be done. There are many opportunities out there to complain about being slowed down, let’s say annoying traffic, but there are also many opportunities to turn that time into a time with God. Thank you God for the reminder.

Ephesians 5:15-20
15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I'm Lovin it.

So I have decided to make healthier decisions when it comes to eating. No, it’s not tied into a New Years resolution; it’s called stepping onto the scale after a semester at Biola and a fattening Christmas and saying, ouch.

Upon this past week of trying to make healthier decisions I found sometimes life just happens and you have to grab some fast food. As I struggled with what to order in the McDonalds drive thru lane trying to make the healthiest in decision I chose a McChicken sandwich with no mayo. I then ate the sandwich with only one side of the bun.

I decided to go online and look at the nutrition facts so next time I would know what to order. I’m no dietician and I don’t know what fats are good and such and such, but if you are just counting calories, this may be some useful information.

I found that just a regular hamburger had 110 calories less than a McChicken. Calories wise, as far as sandwiches go, just a regular hamburger is the lowest coming in at 250 calories. The highest sandwich coming in at a whopping 790 calories was the Angus Bacon and Cheese. Also up in the 700s was Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, Angus Bacon and Cheese, Angus Deluxe, and Angus Mushroom and Swiss. Also high was any chicken sandwich that was crispy. That’s going to cost you at least a hundred calories more instead of having it grilled. I found 3 Snack Wraps all under 300 calories; the Grilled Ranch Snack Wrap (270cal), Grilled Honey Mustard Snack Wrap (260cal), Grilled Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap (260cal). A small order of fries is 230 calories, not including 15 calories per ketchup packet. Calories wise, 4 piece chicken nuggets looked good at 190 calories, but that doesn’t include the extra 50 calories in dipping sauce. So you are at 240 calories for chicken nuggets or 250 calories for a regular hamburger.

When I began to look at their salads, I thought not bad, until I looked at how much calories the dressings had. Your best bet, go for the Newman’s Own Low Fat Balsamic Vinaigrette, which is only 40 calories, compared to 190 calories of New Man’s Own Creamy Caesar Dressing. The croutons are also going to cost you 60 calories. The lowest salad was the Premium Caesar Salad without chicken (90cal). The second lowest salads without chicken at 140 were the Premium Southwest Salad (140cal) or the Premium Bacon Ranch Salad.

I’m not a big breakfast eater, so I won’t go too much into this meal. All I have to say is, stay away from the hotcakes! You will end up with about 1300 calories if you eat the Big Breakfast with Hotcakes! Lowest breakfast would be opting for an English muffin, or the Oatmeal all under 300 calories.

Desserts, oh where to begin! Oh how I lovveee McDonald’s desserts! Sometimes I just go there just to get dessert! The key to this, stay away from shakes and McFlurries. I know, I know, so hard! If you do opt for a McFlurry and can’t resist, choose Oreo over M&Ms, this will save you 130 calories, not much when you already having a lot of calories, but it’s saving something. Your best bet, which most of you already know would be Apple Dippers with low fat caramel or a Fruit ‘N Yogurt Parfait. I know, some dessert. Humph! If you must splurge, have a cookie. Having a cookie is way better than blowing it on a shake. A Baked Hot Apple Pie will also be a much better choice than a small shake.

The thing I am beginning to tell myself when I want something extra is, eating at McDonalds is already the splurge. If you want to splurge get a cheeseburger, instead of a regular hamburger. That costs you 50 calories and the splurge is the cheese, not feeling the need to add a small order of French fries. I’m also telling myself, if I’m already ordering a burger than a salad, that is the splurge. I don’t really want to buy a salad at McDonalds! Come on it’s McDonalds! Haha.

So my tips at eating at McDonalds. Hamburger, or Chicken Nuggets if you don’t opt for a salad. Not feeling up to drinking more water, have some iced tea! I love iced tea and love that it has zero calories! So if I ordered a hamburger, apple dippers with lowfat caramel dip, and an iced tea my order would total 350 calories. Ordering a Snack Wrap would also come out to about the same. Bad, but not too bad for eating out. I also totaled what would be my perfect meal at McDonalds, and that came out to 1500 calories! Point of the story, know what to order before you go through that drive-thru.

Three Dollars

As I pulled out onto Bear Valley Road after just having a warm cup of the seasonal Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks my thoughts turned to the bumpy, uneven slow lane. It was then I glanced over and saw a middle aged woman holding a cardboard sign on the side of the road explaining she had been laid off and had two kids. I thought maybe I should give her some money, but she was in a difficult spot to reach and traffic was moving so I decided not to attempt. It was then it hit me. No, I had to get to this woman. I looked in my review mirror and noticed her walking back to her pick up truck and I kept praying she would stay put till I could get to her. I then was able to get off Bear Valley, park at a gas station, and run over to her truck. She was sitting there with her two young boys and opened up the truck door as I ran over. I proceeded to hand her the three dollars. Now I have given homeless people money, and I have given them food. Normally I like to do food since you never know what they are going to do with it, but something had pulled at my heartstrings to give her the money. As I gave her the few dollars I have never seen such a grateful face before in my life. I began to say God bless to her and she reached out to give me a hug. I told her God would provide and she said I know He is so faithful. I proceeded to tell her I would be praying for her and she looked overwhelmed. Now I don’t know what was going through her mind as she was walking back to her truck, if many people had stopped, if she ended up getting a lot of money, or if she was extremely disappointed. I don’t know how much money she needed and I don’t know if the three dollars even compared to maybe a hundred dollar bill someone may have given her, but what I do know is that I believe she saw a glimpse of hope and that someone cared to turn around just to get to her. Looking back, since I was in no hurry, I wish I had prayed with the woman. I wish I had given more. I wish I had asked if I could buy her and her boys some lunch. I wish I had gotten to know her. I’m normally very wary of strangers, especially men and rightfully so, but there was something about this woman that made me attached. I don’t know exactly if there is a huge point to this story, except for if you can bless another person then do so. What I do know is that driving by she was just a common woman standing on the side of the road with a sign, but when I took the time to get to her I have never seen such a beautiful, genuine sight of her face lighting up with gratitude.

Weather

Earlier this evening I had, had it. As I threw my phone, I looked outside the window. I saw bits and pieces of the sky lit up in different colors, but I knew there was more to see and I had to see it. I grabbed my jacket and my room key and proceeded to literally run to find it. I saw it out the window as I came to the stairs entrance. This was not good enough. I had to, I desired to, see this sunset for all its worth. I ran down the stairs, out of Hope, then up the stairs behind Hope to see it for its full-blown glory. As I saw it, I was blown away. With tears streaming down my face, I knew God had given me that sunset. He knew the desires of my heart. He knew last night I longed to go home and experience the deserts amazing sunsets. Here, in La Mirada, he gave me a glorious warm, sunny day, with a slight breeze. This breeze reminded me I was alive, and that even though I couldn’t see God, I can still feel Him. This is what God desires, to see His works and crave to see more. He desires us to run just to get a glimpse more of Him. He desires us to stand in awe of His beauty. I wish that I could say that the sunset changed the rest of this night, and made the pain go away because it didn’t. What the sunset did was remind me I am alive, and that He is there through the pain. God doesn’t promise He will suddenly take all the pain away and relieve the issues in our lives. God does promise He is there amidst our despair. (I took a picture, but my stupid phone won’t send it to my computer)

Tonight.

Tonight was Hope's dorm building Christmas party. I enjoyed getting to talk to some girls on my hall and drink yummy Christmas named drinks. But where my thoughts really are tonight is home. I guess it's cause I just spent break at home and am still in break mode, but I really wish Christmas break started now. I would love to be curled up in my snowman blanket in front of the fire cuddling with my mom. I would love be warm and toasty without the stress of school. Somehow, someway I know I will make it to Christmas break, but it seems so far. I am so stressed with my grades, if I will even pass all my classes, complete my online class, my schedule will somehow work out, I will even finish all my assignments, and get in enough chapels. This stress is taking a toll on me and I wish I could say I had one full day on Thanksgiving break to relax, but that didn't even happen. I'm getting slower, my school work is getting crappier, things are taking more effort and twice as long. I'm emotionally drained. It's definitely going to have to be strength from God for me to make it.

Let's Get Personal

My personal testimony I wrote for my Biblical Interpretation and Spiritual Formations class. Thought I would share. Enjoy.

Megan MacConnell
September 16, 2010
BBST 103
Personal Testimony

I guess one could say I have lived a fairly average, but eventful life. My biography really gets interesting and begins taking its twists and turns once I reach my senior year of high school, but nevertheless, this is my whole story. I was born into a Christian home on June 13, 1991. Growing up, my family never was consistent in attending one church. We constantly were moving from one church to another and never could seem to find the right fit. I did not like attending the children’s program and often found myself sitting in “Big Church” with my parents, all the while missing out on valuable Bible stories many heard while growing up. One night, while attending a Christmas play, they preached a short message of the Gospel at the end of the production. I may have accepted God at that point, but being so young, I did not fully comprehend.

As time went on, I began to have panic attacks. I worried my throat was closing up, due to a previous swallowing of plastic incident, and this began to haunt me this whole summer. While on vacation, I had yet another panic attack and worried what would happen to me if I died. My mom comforted me by stating that if I had accepted God into my heart and believed He died for my sins, I had nothing to fear for I would go to Heaven. It then hit me. I began to wonder if I had ever done this and if that night at the play I actually had. Right then and there I accepted Jesus into my heart, mainly out of fear, but fully understood the Gospel and John 3:16.

As time went on, there was more skipping around churches and missing services. My walk with Christ began to really take off when I decided to attend Apple Valley Christian School for middle school and high school. The year before this decision, I had been baptized and was willing for God to start molding me into the person He wanted me to be. The school required each student to attend church weekly and get involved with small groups. Since I was under this contract, my family became more consistent in going to church. I became very connected to the church and made some great Christian friends. I also became great friends with one of my still best friends, Hannah Mason.

During my high school years, I began to make my faith my own. I took more extensive bible classes that helped me learn more about Christianity and challenged my mind. Those were, by far, my favorite classes. I also had the privilege of going on several mission’s trips during these years. I cannot believe how much they impacted the way I viewed the world and were a very humbling experience. I acknowledged the great commission of going and making disciples of every nation. (Matt 28:19) I also grew more in my walk with Christ by being consistent in attending weekly bible studies. Life seemed pretty good and I took advantage of the many opportunities that were available.

When decisions about college were starting to arise, my life seemed to take a turn for the worst. It was my senior year of high school and I could not feel any more lost. I had my own plans about life, and I was determined to do them my way. I wanted to go to San Diego State University, witness to others, and be a light in that dark world. I was for sure this was the route to go and that God wanted me there. I applied the second day I could, maintained a cumulative 4.0 GPA, played Varsity sports, was in the choir, was on the leadership team, and had countless community service hours. I essentially thought I was all set to go. My friend Hannah was a Biola bound baby and was constantly was trying to convince me to go with her to school. I always responded with, “Why do you want to stay in the Christian bubble? Is it not important to go into the secular world? Everyone goes to Biola, that’s so lame.” I even went on a tour of Biola and was very hypocritical of the school the whole time.

Little did I know a letter was going to get mailed to me saying I was not accepted into the school of my choice. When this letter did come, I felt a little hopeless, but since I was on the waiting list I thought this was just a way of God testing me. I truly believed I would most likely get in, no matter what. My brother graduated from there, why would I not end up going there as well? As I began to think of my back up options, just in case, I realized that all of the time that I spent checking out UC schools was a waste. I had taken the wrong subject test to get into those types of schools. When the final letter arrived that said that I had been denied acceptance to San Diego State I felt so lost. I had no clue where to go. I had back up options that I had applied and been accepted to, Cal Poly Pomona and Cal State San Bernardino, but I had no interest in those schools. I felt lost. I recall one day crying in my after school philosophy class. I uttered, all the while trying to hold back tears, “I don’t know where God wants me to go. I feel like I don’t know what the will of God is for my life.” I began to reason if there was no state school left that I wanted to attend, maybe I should begin considering the Christian Universities I had checked out previously. If I wanted to major in psychology, I might as well go to a Christian University.

While dealing with the stress of choosing a school, home life did not seem to be going any better either. Luckily, I had at the time a boyfriend, who is an awesome young man of God, help me get through this year. This school year both of my brothers moved back home, my youngest brother first. He was addicted to marijuana and it ruined his life. He had suicidal thoughts and had no idea what to do with his life. Through this, we became really close as he slowly began to rebuild his life back at home. My oldest brother also moved back home with his son and began to start the process of a divorce. My parents’ marriage seemed to also be rocky, as they had to deal with the stress of having a full house again. I detested my dad at this time and would write in my school planner, “Get all your homework done so you don’t have to be at home.” I got a job at Red Robin this year in hopes of making my relationship with my dad better, but it failed.

When the summer after my senior year came to a close I still had not made a decision. I decided I would just have to choose. I did not want to go to community college, so I just picked Cal Baptist. After I left for Cal Baptist it seemed like my life was spiraling downward. I felt so lonely and lost as I tried to make the transition. The library was my favorite place, and I clung to the visits with the boyfriend here at Biola. I went home every weekend and would come back as late as possible. My goal was to get through the day not crying.

One day I broke down. I could not take it anymore. I was sick of feeling out of place and lost. My boyfriend said he was coming to see me that night. I had a sigh of relief because just one long hug from him meant the world to me. When he arrived he was acting a little off. We decided to go out to the baseball fields to talk and I began explaining to him how horrible I thought my life was. In the midst of crying, he started saying something. Suddenly his words began to feel like a knife being driven straight into my heart. I felt as though I could not breathe. I could not hear at the moment, nor recall today the exact words he was saying, but I knew he had ended it. I had poured everything I had into this guy. My world had just ended. I had over time made him my idol, and I had lost. I thought I would marry him one day. He to this day is the nicest young man I’ve ever met in my life, but I had ignored all of the things that had not made us personally right for each other, because all I saw was this awesome man in Jesus. Holding a too high view of him, and getting my priorities out of order, ultimately destroyed us.

The next few weeks literally felt like hell, and I have never been so upset in my entire life. I was hurting. He was hurting. This was not right. It seemed as if my life had come crashing down. I was then notified, soon after, my grandpa’s cancer had come back and was at an extremely high level. This was just another thing that made me say, really God? This was not the hardest blow until that same month my dad got sick. He had come down with the H1N1 virus and was placed in an intensive care unit. He had over four infections, pneumonia, and H1N1 all at the same time. The doctors continued trying medicine after medicine to find one that worked, but were racing against time. They told us to be prepared for the worst. I became so angry with God, I could not even speak to Him for a time period. I lost my relationship, now possibly my dad all in the same month? I could not do it. This was my breaking point, my last straw.

Finally, the doctors found the right medicine, my dad began to recover, and slowly I learned to deal for the rest of the semester. At Christmas break I felt as though the Holy Spirit or something inside of me was leading me to pack up half of my dorm room. So I did, not knowing why, but I did. During the break I began questioning what to do. I did not feel as though CBU was worth the money and where I needed to be. My friend Hannah, once again, started telling me about Biola, since she had now been there for a semester. As she began to describe her experience, everything she said was what I was sincerely looking for in a school. I almost thought about transferring for second semester, but I thought that might be jumping the gun. I decided to come home, attend community college, and really figure out where God wanted me to be.

This point of my life was definitely a recovering stage. I was back at home, with little friends left to hang out with. I did not have any joy inside of me, and I knew it. I decided to pour everything I had into building my relationship back up in Christ. I wanted true joy, not based on my circumstances. I wanted the type of joy Paul experienced, even while being in prison. I dedicated this time to trying to stay away from the opposite sex and sought out ways to be obedient to Christ. My relationship with God grew by doing these things and I began to find more joy in my life.

Over this semester, I went ahead and filled out an application to Biola. When this past summer came, I still was feeling lost. I knew that this school was truly where I wanted to go, but it was a heck of a lot of money I did not have. I also did not get very much financial aid either. The aspect of paying close to full price scared me. I almost did not come, but after talking with my friends about how amazing this school is, and them truly believing it is worth the money, made me take a leap of faith. I decided about a month before Biola started, to trust in God once again and go for it.

I am proud to state, only after being here for a few weeks, this place is absolutely amazing. I have cried several tears of joy just being here. I cannot believe what an amazing feeling it is to finally be where I am meant to be. This school has everything I want and even more. The love of God is so evident and present here. I could literally not be happier. I also know I am in a different place than when I first left for college mentally. I was not a person actively seeking God, but expecting Him to do all the work. I was not a person who could stand on her own two feet and deal with problems with God’s help, but a girl who relied on her boyfriend to make all of the pain go away. I was not a content person, and let life’s circumstances take a hold of me. I am nowhere near perfect nor will I ever be, but I am very glad that God has been doing a great work in me. He has also been restoring my relationships as well. My relationship with my dad is slowly becoming better overtime, as well as a friendship with the guy who broke my heart.
The most powerful thing I have learned is that God is a jealous God. In Deuteronomy 4:23-24, God talks about being jealous for us, and that we should have no other idols before us. These couple verses explain the past couple years of my life and God getting jealous and consuming my life. It amazes me that God loves me that much that He would reach down into my life and try to get my attention. I am so thankful and in awe that God loves me, unconditionally; that He has plans for me.

Second Day!

It’s the second day and I’m still going strong! Currently I’m listening to Step Up the movie that some people are watching in the lobby. If I knew these people I would stand up and start dancing, but I don’t so I probably should just sit here and continue typing. Haha. Today was awesome. The day started out having breakfast in the caf with one of my roomies, Lindsey. I went for the bagel, and my bagel ended up getting stuck in the slicer, so embarrassing! Then we went to the meeting in the gym and the SOS groups put on an amazing skit! Seriously I was busting up laughing the whole time! They put soo many different references in it and fairly long as well. From the old spice guy, to Kanye West cutting off Taylor, to Glee, to Mean Girls, to double rainbow, to Alan from the Hangover, to the Sandlot, and finishing it up with Inception was amazing!

Meeting with our SOS group was really cool. I have an awesome leader and some awesome transfer students in our group. It’s nice to finally meet some more transfer students since I mainly am meeting freshman. We played a game and it was awesome to bond with some other transfers.

Tonight proved to be very different. We had a communion service after the bbq at Biola. My brother, nephew, Mom and Dad were all there and it was an intimate moment. It was crazy emotional though, which was really weird. But there was such a sense of peace in the moment. I know it touched all of us, and we were all crying and praying. Crazy! The only time we ever pray together is over the food. Somehow I just know Biola is the right decision for me. Anyways, guess I will wrap this up, so dead tired!

Biola Move In Day!

So it finally came…move in day! I never thought about a little over a year ago I would be moving into Biola. Now here I am sitting writing this in my cozy room in Hope sitting chatting with my two roomies, while listening to the boys play basketball outside. I am happy to say, I feel perfectly content. You know how when something just feels right, you know? Biola feels like a second home. Everything just feels natural here. So far just today I have seen God’s love in people all over this campus. Somehow for being someone so shy in group settings with people I don’t know I’m finding the strength to go up and introduce myself. Maybe it could be that I’m not a freshman and this isn’t the first time I’ve been off alone. It also could be that I know in order to have the best social experience and meet new people, you have to put yourself out there. Whatever the case, I’ve tried to make myself a social butterfly today. I have, just today, met some cool girls on my hall, met my twin on the second floor, hung out at the bookstore and socialized, and went to some ice cream social type thing. I’m going around looking for cool people to meet and soaking it in while I can. Although, I know things will be a little bit different once classes start, and I begin to get homesick for my own room and bed. I also know there will be certain times where I will be sitting alone in a class, eating a couple meals by myself, but that time alone is a good refresher too. I ultimately believe that Biola is the place for me, but we shall see. So far, life is great and I couldn’t be more excited about going to college!

GOD IS INTIMATE.

So you wanna know?

Since I still have not done a follow up to my six months of no dating that I completed a little while ago, I decided to turn an answer to a formspring.com question into a blog.

Someone asked me:

Are you truly happy without guys? It seems like your trying to be positive, but you really miss a man in your life.


Here is my response:

I believe God put in all of us the desire for companionship, and I think I will always have this desire, whether I'm meant to marry or not. So am I fully satisfied in this sense? No. I'd much rather be in a God centered relationship with a man that loves the Lord, has good qualities, and the relationship is potentially headed for marriage in the future.

Do I get lonely sometimes without a relationship? Absolutely, especially since I am back in the desert feeling like I have few friends. Do I try to find my joy in Jesus and remember only He can make me complete? Yes. Do I try to be happy without a man? Yep. Does it work all the time? Nope, but my life isn't perfect.

I may seem like I focus on the opposite sex way too much, and maybe that's true. But you also have to realize why I do:

1. My heart has been badly broken. Twice, in the past 9 months. This doesn't just go away. I've been broken. One by a guy I truly was falling in love with and thought the relationship might one day end in marriage. The other by a guy I always thought the most of and was smitten with for a long time. This guy proceeded to use this to his advantage, got my hopes up, and then broke them down.

So do I have trust issues? Yes. Does this dominate my thoughts too often? Perhaps. I'm still dealing with both of these heartbreaks and as much as I'd like it to magically go away, that's not always the case.

2. I took the time out for six months to abstain from dating. You know how when you are addicted to something and then it's taken away, that's what your thoughts tend to go towards? Same with this. Was I addicted, I wouldn't say so, but when it's taken away, you tend to focus on it.

3. I believe my singleness is a gift right now, to better myself, to prepare myself for my future husband, and to grow closer to Christ. So I'm reading books on this. It's what I think about.

4. I'm young, single, and stupid guys that don't have their priorities straight tend to approach me. This frustrates me. Am I out deliberately looking for a guy? No. But do you hear about these guys? Yes, because I get frustrated with these guys and feel as if the right guy is taking forever. Yes, yes I know I am impatient sometimes and I'm working on it.

5. My ultimate dream goal, God willing, is to one day be a marriage counselor. So do I contemplate on marriages? Yes. Do I read up on tips for a successful marriage? Yes. Do I talk about this and share links and quotes? You bet. I don't have a single healthy marriage to look up to in this family, so I want to make sure I prepare myself to have the best. Am I too young for this? It's a matter of opinion. I know I won't be a marriage counselor until I have many years of experience in my own, but it's never too early to learn about God centered marriages and what works and what doesn't. So when you are quick to judge me on contemplating on marriage too soon, I'm not just thinking about myself, I'm thinking about my future career. Could this goal change in a couple years? Perhaps, but for the past couple years it's what I've felt like I'm called to do.