Three Dollars

As I pulled out onto Bear Valley Road after just having a warm cup of the seasonal Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks my thoughts turned to the bumpy, uneven slow lane. It was then I glanced over and saw a middle aged woman holding a cardboard sign on the side of the road explaining she had been laid off and had two kids. I thought maybe I should give her some money, but she was in a difficult spot to reach and traffic was moving so I decided not to attempt. It was then it hit me. No, I had to get to this woman. I looked in my review mirror and noticed her walking back to her pick up truck and I kept praying she would stay put till I could get to her. I then was able to get off Bear Valley, park at a gas station, and run over to her truck. She was sitting there with her two young boys and opened up the truck door as I ran over. I proceeded to hand her the three dollars. Now I have given homeless people money, and I have given them food. Normally I like to do food since you never know what they are going to do with it, but something had pulled at my heartstrings to give her the money. As I gave her the few dollars I have never seen such a grateful face before in my life. I began to say God bless to her and she reached out to give me a hug. I told her God would provide and she said I know He is so faithful. I proceeded to tell her I would be praying for her and she looked overwhelmed. Now I don’t know what was going through her mind as she was walking back to her truck, if many people had stopped, if she ended up getting a lot of money, or if she was extremely disappointed. I don’t know how much money she needed and I don’t know if the three dollars even compared to maybe a hundred dollar bill someone may have given her, but what I do know is that I believe she saw a glimpse of hope and that someone cared to turn around just to get to her. Looking back, since I was in no hurry, I wish I had prayed with the woman. I wish I had given more. I wish I had asked if I could buy her and her boys some lunch. I wish I had gotten to know her. I’m normally very wary of strangers, especially men and rightfully so, but there was something about this woman that made me attached. I don’t know exactly if there is a huge point to this story, except for if you can bless another person then do so. What I do know is that driving by she was just a common woman standing on the side of the road with a sign, but when I took the time to get to her I have never seen such a beautiful, genuine sight of her face lighting up with gratitude.

Weather

Earlier this evening I had, had it. As I threw my phone, I looked outside the window. I saw bits and pieces of the sky lit up in different colors, but I knew there was more to see and I had to see it. I grabbed my jacket and my room key and proceeded to literally run to find it. I saw it out the window as I came to the stairs entrance. This was not good enough. I had to, I desired to, see this sunset for all its worth. I ran down the stairs, out of Hope, then up the stairs behind Hope to see it for its full-blown glory. As I saw it, I was blown away. With tears streaming down my face, I knew God had given me that sunset. He knew the desires of my heart. He knew last night I longed to go home and experience the deserts amazing sunsets. Here, in La Mirada, he gave me a glorious warm, sunny day, with a slight breeze. This breeze reminded me I was alive, and that even though I couldn’t see God, I can still feel Him. This is what God desires, to see His works and crave to see more. He desires us to run just to get a glimpse more of Him. He desires us to stand in awe of His beauty. I wish that I could say that the sunset changed the rest of this night, and made the pain go away because it didn’t. What the sunset did was remind me I am alive, and that He is there through the pain. God doesn’t promise He will suddenly take all the pain away and relieve the issues in our lives. God does promise He is there amidst our despair. (I took a picture, but my stupid phone won’t send it to my computer)

Tonight.

Tonight was Hope's dorm building Christmas party. I enjoyed getting to talk to some girls on my hall and drink yummy Christmas named drinks. But where my thoughts really are tonight is home. I guess it's cause I just spent break at home and am still in break mode, but I really wish Christmas break started now. I would love to be curled up in my snowman blanket in front of the fire cuddling with my mom. I would love be warm and toasty without the stress of school. Somehow, someway I know I will make it to Christmas break, but it seems so far. I am so stressed with my grades, if I will even pass all my classes, complete my online class, my schedule will somehow work out, I will even finish all my assignments, and get in enough chapels. This stress is taking a toll on me and I wish I could say I had one full day on Thanksgiving break to relax, but that didn't even happen. I'm getting slower, my school work is getting crappier, things are taking more effort and twice as long. I'm emotionally drained. It's definitely going to have to be strength from God for me to make it.

Let's Get Personal

My personal testimony I wrote for my Biblical Interpretation and Spiritual Formations class. Thought I would share. Enjoy.

Megan MacConnell
September 16, 2010
BBST 103
Personal Testimony

I guess one could say I have lived a fairly average, but eventful life. My biography really gets interesting and begins taking its twists and turns once I reach my senior year of high school, but nevertheless, this is my whole story. I was born into a Christian home on June 13, 1991. Growing up, my family never was consistent in attending one church. We constantly were moving from one church to another and never could seem to find the right fit. I did not like attending the children’s program and often found myself sitting in “Big Church” with my parents, all the while missing out on valuable Bible stories many heard while growing up. One night, while attending a Christmas play, they preached a short message of the Gospel at the end of the production. I may have accepted God at that point, but being so young, I did not fully comprehend.

As time went on, I began to have panic attacks. I worried my throat was closing up, due to a previous swallowing of plastic incident, and this began to haunt me this whole summer. While on vacation, I had yet another panic attack and worried what would happen to me if I died. My mom comforted me by stating that if I had accepted God into my heart and believed He died for my sins, I had nothing to fear for I would go to Heaven. It then hit me. I began to wonder if I had ever done this and if that night at the play I actually had. Right then and there I accepted Jesus into my heart, mainly out of fear, but fully understood the Gospel and John 3:16.

As time went on, there was more skipping around churches and missing services. My walk with Christ began to really take off when I decided to attend Apple Valley Christian School for middle school and high school. The year before this decision, I had been baptized and was willing for God to start molding me into the person He wanted me to be. The school required each student to attend church weekly and get involved with small groups. Since I was under this contract, my family became more consistent in going to church. I became very connected to the church and made some great Christian friends. I also became great friends with one of my still best friends, Hannah Mason.

During my high school years, I began to make my faith my own. I took more extensive bible classes that helped me learn more about Christianity and challenged my mind. Those were, by far, my favorite classes. I also had the privilege of going on several mission’s trips during these years. I cannot believe how much they impacted the way I viewed the world and were a very humbling experience. I acknowledged the great commission of going and making disciples of every nation. (Matt 28:19) I also grew more in my walk with Christ by being consistent in attending weekly bible studies. Life seemed pretty good and I took advantage of the many opportunities that were available.

When decisions about college were starting to arise, my life seemed to take a turn for the worst. It was my senior year of high school and I could not feel any more lost. I had my own plans about life, and I was determined to do them my way. I wanted to go to San Diego State University, witness to others, and be a light in that dark world. I was for sure this was the route to go and that God wanted me there. I applied the second day I could, maintained a cumulative 4.0 GPA, played Varsity sports, was in the choir, was on the leadership team, and had countless community service hours. I essentially thought I was all set to go. My friend Hannah was a Biola bound baby and was constantly was trying to convince me to go with her to school. I always responded with, “Why do you want to stay in the Christian bubble? Is it not important to go into the secular world? Everyone goes to Biola, that’s so lame.” I even went on a tour of Biola and was very hypocritical of the school the whole time.

Little did I know a letter was going to get mailed to me saying I was not accepted into the school of my choice. When this letter did come, I felt a little hopeless, but since I was on the waiting list I thought this was just a way of God testing me. I truly believed I would most likely get in, no matter what. My brother graduated from there, why would I not end up going there as well? As I began to think of my back up options, just in case, I realized that all of the time that I spent checking out UC schools was a waste. I had taken the wrong subject test to get into those types of schools. When the final letter arrived that said that I had been denied acceptance to San Diego State I felt so lost. I had no clue where to go. I had back up options that I had applied and been accepted to, Cal Poly Pomona and Cal State San Bernardino, but I had no interest in those schools. I felt lost. I recall one day crying in my after school philosophy class. I uttered, all the while trying to hold back tears, “I don’t know where God wants me to go. I feel like I don’t know what the will of God is for my life.” I began to reason if there was no state school left that I wanted to attend, maybe I should begin considering the Christian Universities I had checked out previously. If I wanted to major in psychology, I might as well go to a Christian University.

While dealing with the stress of choosing a school, home life did not seem to be going any better either. Luckily, I had at the time a boyfriend, who is an awesome young man of God, help me get through this year. This school year both of my brothers moved back home, my youngest brother first. He was addicted to marijuana and it ruined his life. He had suicidal thoughts and had no idea what to do with his life. Through this, we became really close as he slowly began to rebuild his life back at home. My oldest brother also moved back home with his son and began to start the process of a divorce. My parents’ marriage seemed to also be rocky, as they had to deal with the stress of having a full house again. I detested my dad at this time and would write in my school planner, “Get all your homework done so you don’t have to be at home.” I got a job at Red Robin this year in hopes of making my relationship with my dad better, but it failed.

When the summer after my senior year came to a close I still had not made a decision. I decided I would just have to choose. I did not want to go to community college, so I just picked Cal Baptist. After I left for Cal Baptist it seemed like my life was spiraling downward. I felt so lonely and lost as I tried to make the transition. The library was my favorite place, and I clung to the visits with the boyfriend here at Biola. I went home every weekend and would come back as late as possible. My goal was to get through the day not crying.

One day I broke down. I could not take it anymore. I was sick of feeling out of place and lost. My boyfriend said he was coming to see me that night. I had a sigh of relief because just one long hug from him meant the world to me. When he arrived he was acting a little off. We decided to go out to the baseball fields to talk and I began explaining to him how horrible I thought my life was. In the midst of crying, he started saying something. Suddenly his words began to feel like a knife being driven straight into my heart. I felt as though I could not breathe. I could not hear at the moment, nor recall today the exact words he was saying, but I knew he had ended it. I had poured everything I had into this guy. My world had just ended. I had over time made him my idol, and I had lost. I thought I would marry him one day. He to this day is the nicest young man I’ve ever met in my life, but I had ignored all of the things that had not made us personally right for each other, because all I saw was this awesome man in Jesus. Holding a too high view of him, and getting my priorities out of order, ultimately destroyed us.

The next few weeks literally felt like hell, and I have never been so upset in my entire life. I was hurting. He was hurting. This was not right. It seemed as if my life had come crashing down. I was then notified, soon after, my grandpa’s cancer had come back and was at an extremely high level. This was just another thing that made me say, really God? This was not the hardest blow until that same month my dad got sick. He had come down with the H1N1 virus and was placed in an intensive care unit. He had over four infections, pneumonia, and H1N1 all at the same time. The doctors continued trying medicine after medicine to find one that worked, but were racing against time. They told us to be prepared for the worst. I became so angry with God, I could not even speak to Him for a time period. I lost my relationship, now possibly my dad all in the same month? I could not do it. This was my breaking point, my last straw.

Finally, the doctors found the right medicine, my dad began to recover, and slowly I learned to deal for the rest of the semester. At Christmas break I felt as though the Holy Spirit or something inside of me was leading me to pack up half of my dorm room. So I did, not knowing why, but I did. During the break I began questioning what to do. I did not feel as though CBU was worth the money and where I needed to be. My friend Hannah, once again, started telling me about Biola, since she had now been there for a semester. As she began to describe her experience, everything she said was what I was sincerely looking for in a school. I almost thought about transferring for second semester, but I thought that might be jumping the gun. I decided to come home, attend community college, and really figure out where God wanted me to be.

This point of my life was definitely a recovering stage. I was back at home, with little friends left to hang out with. I did not have any joy inside of me, and I knew it. I decided to pour everything I had into building my relationship back up in Christ. I wanted true joy, not based on my circumstances. I wanted the type of joy Paul experienced, even while being in prison. I dedicated this time to trying to stay away from the opposite sex and sought out ways to be obedient to Christ. My relationship with God grew by doing these things and I began to find more joy in my life.

Over this semester, I went ahead and filled out an application to Biola. When this past summer came, I still was feeling lost. I knew that this school was truly where I wanted to go, but it was a heck of a lot of money I did not have. I also did not get very much financial aid either. The aspect of paying close to full price scared me. I almost did not come, but after talking with my friends about how amazing this school is, and them truly believing it is worth the money, made me take a leap of faith. I decided about a month before Biola started, to trust in God once again and go for it.

I am proud to state, only after being here for a few weeks, this place is absolutely amazing. I have cried several tears of joy just being here. I cannot believe what an amazing feeling it is to finally be where I am meant to be. This school has everything I want and even more. The love of God is so evident and present here. I could literally not be happier. I also know I am in a different place than when I first left for college mentally. I was not a person actively seeking God, but expecting Him to do all the work. I was not a person who could stand on her own two feet and deal with problems with God’s help, but a girl who relied on her boyfriend to make all of the pain go away. I was not a content person, and let life’s circumstances take a hold of me. I am nowhere near perfect nor will I ever be, but I am very glad that God has been doing a great work in me. He has also been restoring my relationships as well. My relationship with my dad is slowly becoming better overtime, as well as a friendship with the guy who broke my heart.
The most powerful thing I have learned is that God is a jealous God. In Deuteronomy 4:23-24, God talks about being jealous for us, and that we should have no other idols before us. These couple verses explain the past couple years of my life and God getting jealous and consuming my life. It amazes me that God loves me that much that He would reach down into my life and try to get my attention. I am so thankful and in awe that God loves me, unconditionally; that He has plans for me.

Second Day!

It’s the second day and I’m still going strong! Currently I’m listening to Step Up the movie that some people are watching in the lobby. If I knew these people I would stand up and start dancing, but I don’t so I probably should just sit here and continue typing. Haha. Today was awesome. The day started out having breakfast in the caf with one of my roomies, Lindsey. I went for the bagel, and my bagel ended up getting stuck in the slicer, so embarrassing! Then we went to the meeting in the gym and the SOS groups put on an amazing skit! Seriously I was busting up laughing the whole time! They put soo many different references in it and fairly long as well. From the old spice guy, to Kanye West cutting off Taylor, to Glee, to Mean Girls, to double rainbow, to Alan from the Hangover, to the Sandlot, and finishing it up with Inception was amazing!

Meeting with our SOS group was really cool. I have an awesome leader and some awesome transfer students in our group. It’s nice to finally meet some more transfer students since I mainly am meeting freshman. We played a game and it was awesome to bond with some other transfers.

Tonight proved to be very different. We had a communion service after the bbq at Biola. My brother, nephew, Mom and Dad were all there and it was an intimate moment. It was crazy emotional though, which was really weird. But there was such a sense of peace in the moment. I know it touched all of us, and we were all crying and praying. Crazy! The only time we ever pray together is over the food. Somehow I just know Biola is the right decision for me. Anyways, guess I will wrap this up, so dead tired!

Biola Move In Day!

So it finally came…move in day! I never thought about a little over a year ago I would be moving into Biola. Now here I am sitting writing this in my cozy room in Hope sitting chatting with my two roomies, while listening to the boys play basketball outside. I am happy to say, I feel perfectly content. You know how when something just feels right, you know? Biola feels like a second home. Everything just feels natural here. So far just today I have seen God’s love in people all over this campus. Somehow for being someone so shy in group settings with people I don’t know I’m finding the strength to go up and introduce myself. Maybe it could be that I’m not a freshman and this isn’t the first time I’ve been off alone. It also could be that I know in order to have the best social experience and meet new people, you have to put yourself out there. Whatever the case, I’ve tried to make myself a social butterfly today. I have, just today, met some cool girls on my hall, met my twin on the second floor, hung out at the bookstore and socialized, and went to some ice cream social type thing. I’m going around looking for cool people to meet and soaking it in while I can. Although, I know things will be a little bit different once classes start, and I begin to get homesick for my own room and bed. I also know there will be certain times where I will be sitting alone in a class, eating a couple meals by myself, but that time alone is a good refresher too. I ultimately believe that Biola is the place for me, but we shall see. So far, life is great and I couldn’t be more excited about going to college!

GOD IS INTIMATE.

So you wanna know?

Since I still have not done a follow up to my six months of no dating that I completed a little while ago, I decided to turn an answer to a formspring.com question into a blog.

Someone asked me:

Are you truly happy without guys? It seems like your trying to be positive, but you really miss a man in your life.


Here is my response:

I believe God put in all of us the desire for companionship, and I think I will always have this desire, whether I'm meant to marry or not. So am I fully satisfied in this sense? No. I'd much rather be in a God centered relationship with a man that loves the Lord, has good qualities, and the relationship is potentially headed for marriage in the future.

Do I get lonely sometimes without a relationship? Absolutely, especially since I am back in the desert feeling like I have few friends. Do I try to find my joy in Jesus and remember only He can make me complete? Yes. Do I try to be happy without a man? Yep. Does it work all the time? Nope, but my life isn't perfect.

I may seem like I focus on the opposite sex way too much, and maybe that's true. But you also have to realize why I do:

1. My heart has been badly broken. Twice, in the past 9 months. This doesn't just go away. I've been broken. One by a guy I truly was falling in love with and thought the relationship might one day end in marriage. The other by a guy I always thought the most of and was smitten with for a long time. This guy proceeded to use this to his advantage, got my hopes up, and then broke them down.

So do I have trust issues? Yes. Does this dominate my thoughts too often? Perhaps. I'm still dealing with both of these heartbreaks and as much as I'd like it to magically go away, that's not always the case.

2. I took the time out for six months to abstain from dating. You know how when you are addicted to something and then it's taken away, that's what your thoughts tend to go towards? Same with this. Was I addicted, I wouldn't say so, but when it's taken away, you tend to focus on it.

3. I believe my singleness is a gift right now, to better myself, to prepare myself for my future husband, and to grow closer to Christ. So I'm reading books on this. It's what I think about.

4. I'm young, single, and stupid guys that don't have their priorities straight tend to approach me. This frustrates me. Am I out deliberately looking for a guy? No. But do you hear about these guys? Yes, because I get frustrated with these guys and feel as if the right guy is taking forever. Yes, yes I know I am impatient sometimes and I'm working on it.

5. My ultimate dream goal, God willing, is to one day be a marriage counselor. So do I contemplate on marriages? Yes. Do I read up on tips for a successful marriage? Yes. Do I talk about this and share links and quotes? You bet. I don't have a single healthy marriage to look up to in this family, so I want to make sure I prepare myself to have the best. Am I too young for this? It's a matter of opinion. I know I won't be a marriage counselor until I have many years of experience in my own, but it's never too early to learn about God centered marriages and what works and what doesn't. So when you are quick to judge me on contemplating on marriage too soon, I'm not just thinking about myself, I'm thinking about my future career. Could this goal change in a couple years? Perhaps, but for the past couple years it's what I've felt like I'm called to do.

Sweetheart...

Dear Sweetheart,

For many years I sought to find my most perfect mate, but all that ever resulted from my search were shattered dreams, a broken heart and what seemed to be an endless wait. I wanted to find God’s very best, but first He had to teach me that in His loving hands, I must solely rest.

So one evening I prayed, “God, just as you put Adam to sleep until the perfect one for him, he was ready to meet; so put me and my desires to sleep until I too am ready to know the one you have chosen for me.”

From that time forward God gave me a peace. And although others came into my life God protected my heart and spared me from more strife. Then when God knew that in His hands I had placed my heart, He brought you into my life and I was history from the start.

My dear friends who know me well perhaps see tomorrow as a miraculous day. For they have known me and all my picky ways. Once while in the dorm, A.M. came into my room and asked me just exactly what I was looking for in a man. I ran to my diary and pulled out a list of 30 qualities I was looking for and on which I would insist.

As I read each trait one by one, Dear A.M. looked at me, she was very stunned. After pondering the list she said with a nod, “ Well Cindy, looks like you’ll have to marry God.” Well, God you are not, but my Heaven on earth you are. God heard my prayers and answered them in the most perfect way with you.

I have no unanswered questions, no doubts, no hesitations, no reservations.

You are my Prince Charming, my knight in shining armor, my gift from the sea, my gift from God.”

~Cindy Jordan Feldewerth


Ladies, it can happen! It's happened with numerous women. We just have to be patient and wait upon the Lord. I know it's hard, I struggle with it daily. But we have to remember:

His timing, not ours.

His arrangement, not ours.

His planning, not ours.

What does your Prince Charming look like to you?

Don't settle for less than God's best.

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."
~Psalm 37:4

Your Prince Charming is worth the wait.

God is so good! I just want to scream it from the mountain tops! It's not even anything majorly in particular, just the way He works in my life is amazing!

Shout it!

Our God is an awesome God
He reigns from Heaven above
With wisdom power and love
our God is an awesome God!

"I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait"

Challenge.

So I did a Wellness Program a little while ago, and loved the results. It was really nice seeing friends I hadn't seen in awhile notice my results the other day. Problem? I've been slacking off since the program ended and am slowly starting to go back to where I was before. So I figured I would challenge myself to get moving again. I'm going to try to do the P90X Ab Ripper 3 days a week for a whole month. Then a couple of the other days hit the gym. Hopefully, setting a smaller goal of a month will help me get back into the swing of things. Plus, if I'm working out again I'm going to want to cheat less on the eating part. Just hope my knee can handle it. The doctors say to take it slow, but I don't like to just run a mile, seems pointless. Hopefully I can get creative and at least get moving than sitting around.

journal.

Hannah and I are truly sisters or something. She knows exactly what I need when I need it. Whether it’s a phone call when I’m feeling down, or just something small and thoughtful. I started a prayer journal recently, just in a spiral notebook. I’ve been meaning to get a nicer journal, but me being indecisive and left handed wouldn’t have gotten very far. I didn’t know what type of journal to get, and being left-handed I find most journals hard to write in. When I went to Biola this past Friday Hannah surprised me with this journal. She said she thought me as soon as she saw it. I just love her!



So besides Hannah being amazing, so is God! I’ve tried journaling before, earlier this year back in October, but didn’t stick with it very long. I’m more determined than ever this time to continue with it this time. Not only have I started this, but also reading the Bible. Like really reading the Bible. Not just a chapter here and a chapter there, but really reading it. My goal is to read the whole Old Testament in about 3 months. I’m currently taking an Old Testament Bible class online through Moody, but even they don’t require you reading the whole thing. I’ve decided to make it a goal by the end of the class to read it anyways. To be honest, I’m not sure if I’ve completed reading even any book of the Bible straight through. It’s incredible just how great Genesis is! It’s also strangely very relatable to my life. Just reading about God’s promises and following through with them is amazing! Even though this journey I’ve started seems at times, time consuming, it’s well worth it already. God’s already changed my attitude towards things just in this short amount of time. It’s amazing what God will do in your life if you actually give Him the time of day! I still am not certain though exactly how this journal should be layed out, lately I’ve just been writing down prayer requests for others, then myself, and praises. So if anyone keeps one and has a great idea then please do share it!

Uno Mas.

Weird. One more month till I am finished with my six-month commitment of no dating. Time has flown by. But things are finally starting to look up. As some of you know, I haven’t followed all of my rules, but the most important thing is, I have tried to guard my heart. Sometimes I’ve failed, sometimes I’ve prospered. The great thing is…I’m starting, from disciplining myself, to enjoy contentment, and I like it. Strange how its taken me almost seven months to get to this point. To each his own I guess. I will have to say though, every single time you make progress, the devil will try to get you down. Pushing back against Satan’s lies has been a hard one, but something you can’t let over power your knowledge of God’s truth. I’ve had my ups, and definitely my downs. My downs lasting more often than the ups, but once I made the decision to “stay hot on His heels” as a friend has referred to it as, God definitely has been bringing me out of it.

”Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” James 4:7

Brag Time.

Okay it’s brag time. I can’t help myself. So as I walked into the kitchen this morning, what did I see lying on the kitchen table? This…





I’m thinking woahh!! My cousin Leah Shafer has a huge feature in the High Desert section of the Daily Press. I thought that was pretty cool. So I figured I’d take the time to brag about her. Not only is she gorgeous, probably the most beautiful woman I know, but she also has an amazing voice and loves the Lord.




So she isn’t exactly famous yet, but she’s the closest thing the family has to stardom, haha! Not to mention her husband, Ross Shafer, used to host tv shows and had his own night time television show, Almost Live on NBC and took over The Late Show. Oh and also hosted The Match Game. Yes, yes my family is famous..haha not really. But the main point of this, besides bragging, is to be reminded of following your dreams. My cousin states, “I don’t like to play it safe. I’d like to pursue my dreams. You only live once.” This is so true! Figure out what you want, don’t fear it, and go for it! Leah does exactly this. She’s worked on the show The Singing Bee as a person that sings the beginning of the lyrics while the contestants have to finish it, and has also formed a band called Women on Fire that has had the opportunity to even sing in Vegas. She also sings at her church, Saddleback. She’s found her passion, singing. I hope and pray that, like her, I can find my passion and go for it!



Oh and by the way if you want to see her perform she’ll be at God’s Garden Church in Victorville on May 16.

You can hear her voice here!

Contentment

“Discontent is a sin that is its own punishment and makes men torment themselves; it makes the spirit sad, the body sick, and all the enjoyments sour; it is the heaviness of the heart and the rottenness of the bones. It is a sin that is its own parent. It arises not from the condition, but from the mind. As we find Paul contented in a prison, so Ahab discontent in a palace.” - Matthew Henry

Contentment. The eleven letter word most find unattainable. What does contentment mean to you? How do you find contentment? Is contentment sitting there reading the newspaper while drinking a warm cup of strong coffee? Is contentment dancing to some great music? Is contentment sitting there with your nightly TV program or perhaps your prized moments where you sit there and sew?

Contentment is something I always find myself struggling with. I’m not talking about the types of contentment like the examples above; I’m talking about a different type of contentment. I’m not content being single. I’m not content with my school choices. I’m not content with my wardrobe. I’m not content with my weight. I’m not content with my circle of friends. I’m not content with my messiness. I’m not content with my camera. I’m not content in my walk with God. I’m not content with myself.

While most of these things I need to find contentment with, finding contentment with everything isn’t always good. For example, contentment in my walk with God wouldn't be healthy; it would not motivate me to spend any more time growing in Him. If I was content being a messy person, I’m going to be a slob my whole life. An example of something I do need to be striving for would be being satisfied with His love. I do acknowledge though, full contentment will never happen in my heart until I arrive at those beautiful, pearly white, gates, I absolutely l-o-v-e this quote from C.S Lewis:

“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.“

This year, I’ve been desperately searching for contentment, but never really thought deeply about how to achieve it. I’ve been trying to fulfill the satisfaction and peace I long for by doing a numerous amount of things. Whether it was moving, trying to find it in the opposite sex, confiding in others, trying to cry it all out, I’ve never been satisfied with my state. While some of these things weren’t exactly bad things, especially moving since I felt like I was called to, the cures themselves weren’t the full answer. I felt like that song by the Rolling Stones was on replay, “I can’t get no, satisfaction…cause I try, and I try, and I try…” So maybe that song isn’t necessarily talking about the good type of satisfaction I am, but still the same concept of trying and trying and trying and still not feeling satisfied.

I knew and know that God can only satisfy me, but all of my attempts didn’t fully get me to being on the road to satisfaction. Then something I read the other day from a Girlfriends In God devotional really struck me. Something so simple and plainly stated stuck out like a sore thumb:

“Disobedience is the enemy of contentment. Contentment and disobedience cannot exist together in the same heart.”-Mary Southerland

So I ask myself, how many times am I really trying to whole-heartedly be obedient? Sure, I have a huge amount of faith in Jesus, but how many times do I actually act on that faith? How often do I just sit in His presence? How often do I crack open that bible? How often do I switch my radio from a rap station to a worship station? Sadly, it hasn’t happened much this year. I am excited to say that this week I have been seeing a change when I actually am putting in an effort to knowingly being obedient.

When we choose to be obedient God will bless us. When we choose to be obedient He has more to work with. We are knowingly placing ourselves in His hands and saying use me, mold me. A great example of this is Paul, I would sum it up, but I will leave it to the man to explain it himself:

“Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”- Philippians 4:9

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”- Philippians 4:11-12

We can choose the life Paul led. He was content in the Lord. He didn’t need anything else. Even in the beginning when we start to be obedient we are blessed. Think about how content you feel when singing a worship song. I don’t know about you, but worshiping Jesus through music is one of my favorite times with God. Praising God for all He is. What about the contentment you feel when you help others? How about when you spend that quiet time with just Him? How about when you choose to do the right thing?

Finding contentment is a goal that won’t ever be satisfied with here on earth, but something we should always be aiming for. I challenge you to make an effort to be obedient, and then see what happens with your struggle with contentment. Because everything Jesus calls us to do is not to harm us, but because He wants the absolute best for us.

“God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in Him.” -John Piper

Easter Pictures

I absolutely love family time, which is what made Easter so great this year. It was nice spending time relaxing with my family. We played Monopoly the night before and had fun getting competitive, as always. Normally we aren’t the type of family to break out the board games, so I was thrilled when Maryley suggested we all play a game! The next day we went to church, dyed Easter eggs, and hid eggs for Gavin. Oh and you can’t forget about consuming all of the delicious food! It was just an overall great couple days. Sadly, time is beginning to run short for one of my family members, so this Easter luckily was able to provide some great, much needed, bonding time.

"It's been so long since
You felt like you were loved
So what went wrong
But do you know
There's a place where you belong
Here in My Arms


When you feel like you're alone in your sadness
It seems like no one else in this whole world cares
And you want to get away from the madness
You just call My name and I'll be there
You just call My name and I'll be there

The pain inside
Has erased your hope for love
Soon you will find
That I'll give you all
That your heart could ever want
And so much more


When you feel like you're alone in your sadness
It seems like no one else in this whole world cares
And you want to get away from the madness
You just call My name and I'll be there
You just call My name and I'll be there

You just call My name
You just call My name
Call My name say it now
I want you to never doubt
The love I have for you is so alive
Call My name say it now
I want you to never doubt
The love I have for you is so alive

You just call My name
You just call My name
You just call My name


The love I have for you is so alive
The love I have for you is so alive
You just call My name
You just call My name
You just call My name"

*Call My Name-Third Day

Easter Surprise

My family got the best news this Easter!

My sister Melissa is pregnant with her husband Kevin!!!

Her due date is November 13th and I couldn't be happier!!



I can't wait till her cute little belly starts showing, all the ultrasound pictures, finding out the sex, and when the little baby gets here. That will be the best!

I'm guessing she will have a girl and it will be born on the exact due date, but we shall see. I wouldn't even be surprised if she had twins. Haha.

LA Photos

I decided to post a few photos from my short two day trip to LA. (Click the pictures to see them larger) The first day I drove down to my parents hotel, The Westin, after school. What a nightmare that was! So many one way streets, and freeways starting here and there! Thankfully I made it safely, and spent the rest of the day doing homework, going out to dinner, and finishing up the night with more and more homework. Luckily, the hotel had a nice lobby and I was able to order a tasty raspberry mocha. The Westin was really unique and classy and I hadn't been in any hotel like it. It had four circular towers and the rooms were sort of pie shaped. What I loved most about the hotel was how high up we were. We stayed on the 24th floor, but there were 35 stories in total. The view was amazing, and I spent most of the night sitting next to the window looking out at the city lights. Although my one complaint was how many lights were left on in office buildings at 3am. Such a shame. The hotel also had these really cool glass elevators on the outside of the building. Normally I'm scared to death of elevators, but not if they are glass. Yes, I am very weird when it comes to these sorts of things.





The next day it was supposed to rain, so we were a little fearful of going to Universal Studios. We decided to try it anyways, and luckily there was no rain clouds in sight! It was nice spending the day with just my parents. What was even better was they got in for free, because of where they work, and I was able to get in for half price! I decided to upgrade it for ten dollars more and get a pass. If anyone wants to go, let me know! Even though the trip was short, and I had to suffer the next couple days making up my homework, it was really nice to get my mind off of things and enjoy spending time with my parents.

Rest

Lately I have been super busy, which has been great. But along with the busyness comes lack of sleep. Yesterday and the day before, I spent with my parents down in Los Angeles. Contrary to what this picture, taken in the hotel room right behind the bed on some weird headboard thing, may suggest I’ve gotten little sleep. Thanks to the fact that my parents snore, very loudly if I may add, I was only able to get a couple hours sleep. It was kind of a funny sight to see, the three of us all sleeping in one California King bed. Then last night I only got a couple hours due to writing a paper. Thankfully today I was able to take a…are you ready for it?? Six hour nap! It felt soo good to finally get some rest.





Although lately it hasn’t just been the lack of sleep that has been making me tired, but also just feeling mentally worn down. I’ve been asking for Jesus to bring me peace and for others to pray that I am brought peace and it seems to be working.


Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” –Matthew 11:28

Making the Most of Every Opportunity!

Lately I’ve been feeling like I haven’t been using this time of singleness wisely. I feel like I have been sitting on my butt, instead of embracing my singleness! I have free time that I decide what to do with and frankly, I’ve been wasting it. I decided to make a list, in no particular order, of personal goals. Some are selfless goals, some are healthy goals, while other goals are just because I can.

Embrace my singleness by:



• Growing closer to Jesus
  
  
• Traveling
  
  
• Spending more time with family, especially my Grandpa Mac
  
  
• Continuing to stay healthy (hopefully slimmer tummy by summer ☺)
  
  
• Getting a good tan
  
  
• Volunteering more
  
  
• Keeping my room and bathroom organized
  
  
• Saving up for that nice camera
  
  
• Cooking more
  
  
• Finding joy with just a relationship with Jesus
  
  
• Getting out of the house more
  
  
• Getting straight As
  
  
• Not procrastinating
  
  
• Becoming more fashionable
  
  
• Reading more
  
  
• Going out of my way every day to help someone
  
  
• Sleeping at normal times
  

Three months to go…no more like three months down.

A few days ago marked the halfway point of my commitment to remaining single. I cannot believe I’ve already made it halfway. I would have to say, since I last wrote about my commitment, my sanity is back. Last month was a bit crazy mentally, but since then I have been reminded and learned many things. For starters, I’ve been reminded sometimes God does not make His answers clear. Sometimes it takes talking to a person about your feelings to get an answer and some of your sanity back. I’ve also learned that maybe someone I’ve been so wrapped up in isn’t the person I’m meant to be with or at least not right now. Realizing that brings such a peace of mind and let’s me focus more on God rather than spending so much energy dwelling on some one that isn’t even right for me at the moment.

I’ve also realized this month another reason to be thankful for the past relationship I was in, more wisdom and experience. The whole time dating, my boyfriend at the time was dating with a purpose and I thought I was too. As our relationship progressed and I really started falling for him, my reasoning was beginning to get clouded by how amazing I thought he was and how much I enjoyed being in a relationship with him. Don’t get me wrong, he was and still is an amazing person, and has so many qualities I love, but while we were together I wasn’t focusing much on whether he was personally right for me. That didn’t mean I didn’t think we were going to end up together and he was going to be the one at the end of the isle waiting for me to walk down in a beautiful white dress, because I did. But during our relationship I didn’t contemplate if he was personally the right match for me. I knew he was an amazing guy and didn’t like to dwell on aspects that could have not made us the perfect fit. From the beginning, the bigger signs that he wasn’t going to be the perfect husband for me I pushed into the back of my head.

Which brings me to a conclusion of one of the things I’ve learned from this past relationship. I need to always be looking to see if I’m really compatible with a person before even beginning to give my heart away. To really get to know them and see if they have the things I’m looking for, before falling for them. I could have saved myself a whole lot of heartbreak, aka thinking it’s the end of the world, just by following this. So many times it’s easy to fall for a Godly man. I don’t blame every girl that does it. But I’ve realized that just because a man is remarkable doesn’t mean he is perfectly right for me. There are good Godly guys out there, but that doesn’t mean I should think that every Godly guy that I enjoy being with is meant for me. Some guys are meant to be in my life purely for fellowship.

I had to learn this lesson the hard way, but isn’t that normally how it goes? It still hurts sometimes knowing this good guy with a pure heart that I enjoy spending time with isn’t right for me. The good part of the story is that he is proof there are good guys out there and God is sculpting and shaping my future husband into the man he needs to be right now. Plus frankly, if we had worked out, I would never have made it to this point in my walk with God, so it’s a WIN-WIN situation if you look at it that way. I have many more thoughts, but don’t even know how to begin to sort them out so expect a couple more blogs soon :)

Not just a worship song.

"Your love is deeper than any ocean, higher than the Heavens, reaches beyond all the stars in the sky."



This is something that I constantly have to remind myself every single day. That God's love is enough. There is no one on this earth that could love me as much as my sweet Jesus does and that thought alone helps me to remember He is my portion.

Psalm 73:26

"My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."

Haiti

http://hopeforhaitinow.org/

My Second Month with Jesus

As I awoke this morning I was reminded of God’s deep love for me. Today marks my second month of refraining from dating. I definitely have to say when I first decided to embark on this journey I never expected it to take all of these unexpected twists and turns, trials, confusion and experiencing a different type of God’s love. Even though the first month was difficult, I would have to say this second month took me by complete surprise. It’s funny what God faces you with when you decide to give up the whole idea of men.

To be honest, I’ve messed up. I haven’t stayed true to all of my guidelines and have let my heart get far too involved with a guy, without even dating, crazy right? I never imagined the start of January to go this way. It took me by utter surprise and God sure did test me. I would have to say this month was one of the most confusing months of my life. I’ve never felt from such happiness to so much uncertainty to the point of tossing and turning almost every single night. Although, it is amazing how so much confusion can lead to so much prayer.

1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

Prayer has been laid deep on my heart this month. I know I can’t do anything without talking to God. (Well, I guess I could, but what would be the point of living through life’s trials alone?) I’ve also been reminded, He won’t be crystal clear with you at times when you feel like you need Him to be most. It’s crazy how when you are so confused, all you are left to do is talk to God.



I’ve been asking Him lately to romance me. I never really thought of having an intimate relationship with God this way until reading Captivating. It makes sense if you think about the idea. What do all women want? What is placed deep in the heart of every woman? The desire to be romanced. I never pictured Jesus being able to romance me. The idea actually seemed silly in the beginning, like I shouldn’t be viewing Jesus like that. How could He fill that type of desire? I decided to put aside my presuppositions and just see what would happen. The first time I prayed for God to romance me I didn’t know what to expect. I was a bit skeptical and expected either the sky to light up or nothing happen at all. I didn’t notice too much that night, but decided to be persistent and try again the next day. What did the King decide to romance me with? A beautiful sunset. I decided to keep up the romance praying and this past Sunday at church when I was faced with my anguish, yet again, I experienced God’s presence immensely. It felt as though He lightly placed His hand on my head. I actually opened my eyes, expecting it to be a person. It felt so good not to only be praying to a God who loves me, but experiencing His love for me as well.

This type of praying not only has brought me sunsets, and an affectionate hand, but also rain. Not just rain, but a storm. I love weather, especially rain! I find it romantic and the idea of running in the rain to your car or twirling around in it excites me! This rain has been beautiful. I love the way it sounds when it hits our patio covering. I love the way it makes the desert smell when it rains. I love the mood it sets. I love rain. Yesterday, when trying to sort out my confusion, I hit a roadblock and became very disheartened. This morning I decided to get my butt out of bed early. I needed some refreshment. While talking to Jesus and looking out into the beautiful sky, still disheartened and a bit teary eyed, guess what appeared right before my eyes? A rainbow appeared. Even though it wasn’t a full rainbow it was just enough to resemble a whisper from Jesus saying, “I love you.” I was in awe. Even though it was only a quarter of a rainbow, it was enough to remind me, I am not alone. I looked to my right and saw my bible and felt like He was telling me to pick it up. So I did. I randomly flipped open to where I had previously carelessly shoved a picture into it. Of course the passage I opened to was meant for me to read right then and there. Yet again, God was working and romancing me intimately.

I’m amazed at this new side of Jesus. I always knew that sunsets are His beautiful creation and how amazing rain is, but I never thought about how intimate God can get with me. I know others have experienced it and I have had those moments with God that amaze me, but I never realized on a day to day normal basis He shows his love for me.

It’s difficult to share exactly what’s been going through my head lately and even begin to sum up this month. Even though I’ve been going through some personal trials that have been draining, I wouldn’t take back anything from this month. I love the fact that when we are in anguish our God is here right beside us. So many things are learned through life’s trials and God’s love for us is never failing. Seeing His love makes it worth all of this.