Let's Get Personal

My personal testimony I wrote for my Biblical Interpretation and Spiritual Formations class. Thought I would share. Enjoy.

Megan MacConnell
September 16, 2010
BBST 103
Personal Testimony

I guess one could say I have lived a fairly average, but eventful life. My biography really gets interesting and begins taking its twists and turns once I reach my senior year of high school, but nevertheless, this is my whole story. I was born into a Christian home on June 13, 1991. Growing up, my family never was consistent in attending one church. We constantly were moving from one church to another and never could seem to find the right fit. I did not like attending the children’s program and often found myself sitting in “Big Church” with my parents, all the while missing out on valuable Bible stories many heard while growing up. One night, while attending a Christmas play, they preached a short message of the Gospel at the end of the production. I may have accepted God at that point, but being so young, I did not fully comprehend.

As time went on, I began to have panic attacks. I worried my throat was closing up, due to a previous swallowing of plastic incident, and this began to haunt me this whole summer. While on vacation, I had yet another panic attack and worried what would happen to me if I died. My mom comforted me by stating that if I had accepted God into my heart and believed He died for my sins, I had nothing to fear for I would go to Heaven. It then hit me. I began to wonder if I had ever done this and if that night at the play I actually had. Right then and there I accepted Jesus into my heart, mainly out of fear, but fully understood the Gospel and John 3:16.

As time went on, there was more skipping around churches and missing services. My walk with Christ began to really take off when I decided to attend Apple Valley Christian School for middle school and high school. The year before this decision, I had been baptized and was willing for God to start molding me into the person He wanted me to be. The school required each student to attend church weekly and get involved with small groups. Since I was under this contract, my family became more consistent in going to church. I became very connected to the church and made some great Christian friends. I also became great friends with one of my still best friends, Hannah Mason.

During my high school years, I began to make my faith my own. I took more extensive bible classes that helped me learn more about Christianity and challenged my mind. Those were, by far, my favorite classes. I also had the privilege of going on several mission’s trips during these years. I cannot believe how much they impacted the way I viewed the world and were a very humbling experience. I acknowledged the great commission of going and making disciples of every nation. (Matt 28:19) I also grew more in my walk with Christ by being consistent in attending weekly bible studies. Life seemed pretty good and I took advantage of the many opportunities that were available.

When decisions about college were starting to arise, my life seemed to take a turn for the worst. It was my senior year of high school and I could not feel any more lost. I had my own plans about life, and I was determined to do them my way. I wanted to go to San Diego State University, witness to others, and be a light in that dark world. I was for sure this was the route to go and that God wanted me there. I applied the second day I could, maintained a cumulative 4.0 GPA, played Varsity sports, was in the choir, was on the leadership team, and had countless community service hours. I essentially thought I was all set to go. My friend Hannah was a Biola bound baby and was constantly was trying to convince me to go with her to school. I always responded with, “Why do you want to stay in the Christian bubble? Is it not important to go into the secular world? Everyone goes to Biola, that’s so lame.” I even went on a tour of Biola and was very hypocritical of the school the whole time.

Little did I know a letter was going to get mailed to me saying I was not accepted into the school of my choice. When this letter did come, I felt a little hopeless, but since I was on the waiting list I thought this was just a way of God testing me. I truly believed I would most likely get in, no matter what. My brother graduated from there, why would I not end up going there as well? As I began to think of my back up options, just in case, I realized that all of the time that I spent checking out UC schools was a waste. I had taken the wrong subject test to get into those types of schools. When the final letter arrived that said that I had been denied acceptance to San Diego State I felt so lost. I had no clue where to go. I had back up options that I had applied and been accepted to, Cal Poly Pomona and Cal State San Bernardino, but I had no interest in those schools. I felt lost. I recall one day crying in my after school philosophy class. I uttered, all the while trying to hold back tears, “I don’t know where God wants me to go. I feel like I don’t know what the will of God is for my life.” I began to reason if there was no state school left that I wanted to attend, maybe I should begin considering the Christian Universities I had checked out previously. If I wanted to major in psychology, I might as well go to a Christian University.

While dealing with the stress of choosing a school, home life did not seem to be going any better either. Luckily, I had at the time a boyfriend, who is an awesome young man of God, help me get through this year. This school year both of my brothers moved back home, my youngest brother first. He was addicted to marijuana and it ruined his life. He had suicidal thoughts and had no idea what to do with his life. Through this, we became really close as he slowly began to rebuild his life back at home. My oldest brother also moved back home with his son and began to start the process of a divorce. My parents’ marriage seemed to also be rocky, as they had to deal with the stress of having a full house again. I detested my dad at this time and would write in my school planner, “Get all your homework done so you don’t have to be at home.” I got a job at Red Robin this year in hopes of making my relationship with my dad better, but it failed.

When the summer after my senior year came to a close I still had not made a decision. I decided I would just have to choose. I did not want to go to community college, so I just picked Cal Baptist. After I left for Cal Baptist it seemed like my life was spiraling downward. I felt so lonely and lost as I tried to make the transition. The library was my favorite place, and I clung to the visits with the boyfriend here at Biola. I went home every weekend and would come back as late as possible. My goal was to get through the day not crying.

One day I broke down. I could not take it anymore. I was sick of feeling out of place and lost. My boyfriend said he was coming to see me that night. I had a sigh of relief because just one long hug from him meant the world to me. When he arrived he was acting a little off. We decided to go out to the baseball fields to talk and I began explaining to him how horrible I thought my life was. In the midst of crying, he started saying something. Suddenly his words began to feel like a knife being driven straight into my heart. I felt as though I could not breathe. I could not hear at the moment, nor recall today the exact words he was saying, but I knew he had ended it. I had poured everything I had into this guy. My world had just ended. I had over time made him my idol, and I had lost. I thought I would marry him one day. He to this day is the nicest young man I’ve ever met in my life, but I had ignored all of the things that had not made us personally right for each other, because all I saw was this awesome man in Jesus. Holding a too high view of him, and getting my priorities out of order, ultimately destroyed us.

The next few weeks literally felt like hell, and I have never been so upset in my entire life. I was hurting. He was hurting. This was not right. It seemed as if my life had come crashing down. I was then notified, soon after, my grandpa’s cancer had come back and was at an extremely high level. This was just another thing that made me say, really God? This was not the hardest blow until that same month my dad got sick. He had come down with the H1N1 virus and was placed in an intensive care unit. He had over four infections, pneumonia, and H1N1 all at the same time. The doctors continued trying medicine after medicine to find one that worked, but were racing against time. They told us to be prepared for the worst. I became so angry with God, I could not even speak to Him for a time period. I lost my relationship, now possibly my dad all in the same month? I could not do it. This was my breaking point, my last straw.

Finally, the doctors found the right medicine, my dad began to recover, and slowly I learned to deal for the rest of the semester. At Christmas break I felt as though the Holy Spirit or something inside of me was leading me to pack up half of my dorm room. So I did, not knowing why, but I did. During the break I began questioning what to do. I did not feel as though CBU was worth the money and where I needed to be. My friend Hannah, once again, started telling me about Biola, since she had now been there for a semester. As she began to describe her experience, everything she said was what I was sincerely looking for in a school. I almost thought about transferring for second semester, but I thought that might be jumping the gun. I decided to come home, attend community college, and really figure out where God wanted me to be.

This point of my life was definitely a recovering stage. I was back at home, with little friends left to hang out with. I did not have any joy inside of me, and I knew it. I decided to pour everything I had into building my relationship back up in Christ. I wanted true joy, not based on my circumstances. I wanted the type of joy Paul experienced, even while being in prison. I dedicated this time to trying to stay away from the opposite sex and sought out ways to be obedient to Christ. My relationship with God grew by doing these things and I began to find more joy in my life.

Over this semester, I went ahead and filled out an application to Biola. When this past summer came, I still was feeling lost. I knew that this school was truly where I wanted to go, but it was a heck of a lot of money I did not have. I also did not get very much financial aid either. The aspect of paying close to full price scared me. I almost did not come, but after talking with my friends about how amazing this school is, and them truly believing it is worth the money, made me take a leap of faith. I decided about a month before Biola started, to trust in God once again and go for it.

I am proud to state, only after being here for a few weeks, this place is absolutely amazing. I have cried several tears of joy just being here. I cannot believe what an amazing feeling it is to finally be where I am meant to be. This school has everything I want and even more. The love of God is so evident and present here. I could literally not be happier. I also know I am in a different place than when I first left for college mentally. I was not a person actively seeking God, but expecting Him to do all the work. I was not a person who could stand on her own two feet and deal with problems with God’s help, but a girl who relied on her boyfriend to make all of the pain go away. I was not a content person, and let life’s circumstances take a hold of me. I am nowhere near perfect nor will I ever be, but I am very glad that God has been doing a great work in me. He has also been restoring my relationships as well. My relationship with my dad is slowly becoming better overtime, as well as a friendship with the guy who broke my heart.
The most powerful thing I have learned is that God is a jealous God. In Deuteronomy 4:23-24, God talks about being jealous for us, and that we should have no other idols before us. These couple verses explain the past couple years of my life and God getting jealous and consuming my life. It amazes me that God loves me that much that He would reach down into my life and try to get my attention. I am so thankful and in awe that God loves me, unconditionally; that He has plans for me.