As I awoke this morning I was reminded of God’s deep love for me. Today marks my second month of refraining from dating. I definitely have to say when I first decided to embark on this journey I never expected it to take all of these unexpected twists and turns, trials, confusion and experiencing a different type of God’s love. Even though the first month was difficult, I would have to say this second month took me by complete surprise. It’s funny what God faces you with when you decide to give up the whole idea of men.
To be honest, I’ve messed up. I haven’t stayed true to all of my guidelines and have let my heart get far too involved with a guy, without even dating, crazy right? I never imagined the start of January to go this way. It took me by utter surprise and God sure did test me. I would have to say this month was one of the most confusing months of my life. I’ve never felt from such happiness to so much uncertainty to the point of tossing and turning almost every single night. Although, it is amazing how so much confusion can lead to so much prayer.
1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." Prayer has been laid deep on my heart this month. I know I can’t do anything without talking to God. (Well, I guess I could, but what would be the point of living through life’s trials alone?) I’ve also been reminded, He won’t be crystal clear with you at times when you feel like you need Him to be most. It’s crazy how when you are so confused, all you are left to do is talk to God.
I’ve been asking Him lately to
romance me. I never really thought of having an intimate relationship with God this way until reading
Captivating. It makes sense if you think about the idea. What do all women want? What is placed deep in the heart of every woman? The desire to be
romanced. I never pictured Jesus being able to
romance me. The idea actually seemed silly in the beginning, like I shouldn’t be viewing Jesus like that. How could He fill that type of desire? I decided to put aside my presuppositions and just see what would happen. The first time I prayed for God to
romance me I didn’t know what to expect. I was a bit skeptical and expected either the sky to light up or nothing happen at all. I didn’t notice too much that night, but decided to be persistent and try again the next day. What did the King decide to
romance me with? A beautiful sunset. I decided to keep up the
romance praying and this past Sunday at church when I was faced with my anguish, yet again, I experienced God’s presence
immensely. It felt as though He lightly placed His hand on my head. I actually opened my eyes, expecting it to be a person. It felt so good not to only be praying to a God who loves me, but experiencing His love for me as well.
This type of praying not only has brought me sunsets, and an affectionate hand, but also rain. Not just rain, but a storm. I love weather, especially rain! I find it romantic and the idea of running in the rain to your car or twirling around in it excites me! This rain has been beautiful. I love the way it sounds when it hits our patio covering. I love the way it makes the desert smell when it rains. I love the mood it sets. I love rain. Yesterday, when trying to sort out my confusion, I hit a roadblock and became very disheartened. This morning I decided to get my butt out of bed early. I needed some refreshment. While talking to Jesus and looking out into the beautiful sky, still disheartened and a bit teary eyed, guess what appeared right before my eyes? A rainbow appeared. Even though it wasn’t a full rainbow it was just enough to resemble a whisper from Jesus saying,
“I love you.” I was in awe. Even though it was only a quarter of a rainbow, it was enough to remind me, I am not alone. I looked to my right and saw my bible and felt like He was telling me to pick it up. So I did. I randomly flipped open to where I had previously carelessly shoved a picture into it. Of course the passage I opened to was meant for me to read right then and there. Yet again, God was working and
romancing me intimately.
I’m amazed at this new side of Jesus. I always knew that sunsets are His beautiful creation and how amazing rain is, but I never thought about how intimate God can get with me. I know others have experienced it and I have had those moments with God that amaze me, but I never realized on a day to day normal basis He shows his love for me.
It’s difficult to share exactly what’s been going through my head lately and even begin to sum up this month. Even though I’ve been going through some personal trials that have been draining, I wouldn’t take back anything from this month. I love the fact that when we are in anguish our God is here right beside us. So many things are learned through life’s trials and
God’s love for us is never failing. Seeing His love makes it worth all of this.
